Let You Go

At night when the star light up my room I sit by myself, talking to the moon, tryin’ to get you, in hopes you are in the other side talking to me too or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon. The song of Bruno Mars made me dissolved in my loneliness and burst my night’s silence in the world that I created by myself. It seems like only this song understands about my feeling in this moment. My feelings mixed like salad, all those ingredients get into a bowl. First, I worried about him because he had never given any word where he had been, even though I had been looking for him a week already, I didn’t get any information about his whereabouts. On the other hand, I’m also angry because every time I tried to talk about us he always responded by harshly, and I feel like something has changed with him. But the most that I worried, what if he no longer has the same feeling as he has given me all this time? But all those questions that I have in my head couldn’t be answered, because until this moment I still couldn’t communicate with him.

Memories between us suddenly come up in my head. I remembered about our sweet memories when our first year in senior high school, especially when he told me about his feelings through a piece of paper, all of a sudden I smiled while flashback our funny moment. How come a child who uncommunicative and silly can have a feeling to me? Where he got that courage and determination like that? Few weeks later I replied his feeling through a piece of paper too, which is the letter that I had sprayed with a little perfume. The time when I and he fell in love with each other was the most beautiful memory that I ever had.

The situation that I feel right is not the same as the beginning of our love story, all the memories that we created are no longer as sweet as like before. Slowly everything has changed, the love that used to be as high as a mountain was flat as the ground. I didn’t know the main causes happened to us until we were no longer as harmonious as before, even though I felt I had never changed at all. Although I always take care of this relationship with all my heart, and never once I ignore him, somehow his attitude changed so drastically.

Ahhhh my eyes are no longer friendly with me tonight. I fell asleep without thinking about him anymore.

My morning was greeted with beautiful sunshine, the cold of the dew felt gripped into my bone, but eyes and my body still want lie down on a soft mattress, but how can I do I have to engage my obligation as a student, I took a shower and get ready for school. Huft, seems like today would be a tough day because my main enemy lesson which is mathematics and the teacher is fiercely giving me strong reasons for being lazy to go to school today. But actually, it is not a math lesson that `disturbs my mind, but he who I always think, and hoping in school I would meet him even just for a while because I just want to ask about the certainty of our relationship.

Arriving at school I went straight to the class because today I was lazy to go to the cafeteria to have a breakfast even though I never missed it because for me breakfast was very important for my survival in school. I sat on my chair and leaned my head against the wall while staring at the blue sky through the classroom window, occasionally when a passing bird I imagined if I were a bird I would easily find him who was now somewhere. But in the end, today I passed the day in school without met him.

This afternoon I just hang out in my room. My phone rang indicates that someone is calling, it’s Ali my classmate. I never thought that a call from Ali could change my life. In a flat tone I answered the phone, I said hello but he did not immediately reply, I repeatedly called his name and asked what was wrong? But he was not made any sound, I feel annoyed and immediately decided to end the call. Only a few seconds later he called back and without a line of greetings, I immediately answered what’s wrong with him? But he also did not answer it, but behind the phone, I heard people cried but I ignored him, ahhh maybe he was watching a movie, I thought. With a trembling voice, he spoke something that my ears couldn't guess, but he repeated the sentence. Ohh God after hearing the news from Ali, I felt like this world hit my head, the phone that I hold suddenly fell from my grasp. Suddenly, the room was bright then it turned to the dark for a moment, the mouth that was easy to put out the word now as locked as I was a mute person who could not make any sound. After hearing the news from Ali really made me physically and mentally unable to receive it at all.

"Yana, there is something I have to say, but you must promise to accept it with relieved, Ardi died!"

Feel like I'm dreaming again. Not long after that, Anisa came to my house to pick me and brought me to the Ardi's house to see him for the last time.

Then finally the question that I always have kept in my brain was answered with just one short phone call. Evidently all this time he changed because he already felt signs that he would soon leave me and this world. 

Goodbye my dear, rest in peace. I’m here will always keep the love that you’ve given to me, thank you so much, because you ever made me the happiest person in the world and also forgive for being wrong, I love you but I have let you go.

But if I let you go I will never know what my life would be holding you close to me, will I ever see you smiling back at me how will I know I let you go.

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