I’m a monster, a train wreck, everywhere I go I ruin everything. I wanna be alone forever. I just can't take this anymore. It hurts to know you’re a horrible person and be told it everyday even by your own dad who says he doesn’t mean it and though he may not everything he says is true. If I was to go there would be maybe one person who would be hurt, two at a push. I would be the talk for a day or two and then I would disappear. I would die away.
Me in agony my dad in pain and my sister, I don’t even know how she would feel. I would be surprised if she loved me. I can never tell whether my friends actually care about me or if they just feel like they need to help me or fix me. I’m a broken package and I'm way past being fixed. I don’t want to fall for anyone because if they decide to become an item with me, I would care about them but they might not know how broken I am. No one does. Not even me. Mum I hope you are listening right now because even if you are no longer here with me, I am holding onto you. You and carina are the two things I'm holding onto, the two things that are lifting me up and keeping me alive.
Yes, I know my dad would be lost without me but I want him to know how much I care about him. He is more than just an amazing dad he is a friend. While he still doesn’t understand me and we have our differences, he is still one of my best friends. Mum, when you first died, I never understood how much you actually meant to me and what you could have been going through. Now I start to see glimpses of what you were going through and I now know how much you mean to me. Since my last attempt you have been what is keeping me going, what I'm holding onto but even though that’s true I don’t feel like I can do it.
So mum, please, give me a sign, I need you right now.
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United Kingdom • 22 years old