It took me 45 minutes to write that title, to admit you existed. It took me twice as long to write your name. You are a real man now, I promise.
When you were eleven you twisted your body in the mirror to make it something it wasn’t. That was me. You told yourself that one day you would be me. You did this everyday, you contorted your body to make me and you prayed.
You were always shaking. I don’t know why.
One day you will decide enough is enough and you will permanently twist your body into this shape. This time your bones will not overlap, your skin will not stretch, and your muscles will not quiver in exasperation.
You can breathe now.
You did it.
You are okay.
Thank you for sacrificing yourself for me. I’m sorry that I did this to you, hurting you was never my intention.
I cannot thank you enough for turning your bones to steel when I couldn’t. That was so brave. It’s a shame you had to grow up so very fast but I’m not quite sure how to apologize for that.
Most of the parts that made you female are gone now, sent to medical waste. (You are not waste.) The last of those female parts have been twisted as well. I’m sorry I took them away from you.
They made me feel like a stranger in my skin.
I couldn’t live like that.
You told me you didn’t want to live anymore. I told you suicide wasn’t the answer but left space to say transitioning was. God, you were so brave.
I’m so proud of you.
I know that this hasn’t been easy on you. You lost everyone you loved and I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I thought they would let you stay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I know you miss your mom but you want to live now. Isn’t that better? No, I know, it’s not. I miss her too, Lily. I tried to get her back but she wouldn’t listen and... I’m sorry. I miss my mom too. (I’m sorry)
I’m so proud of you. You made me who I am. Thank you.
I remember the nights are hard so I hope this shows you it’s worth it. You’re still shorter than all the other guys but you don’t mind as much now. You have a masculine voice that maybe isn’t as deep as you want sometimes but it’s still very manly. You don’t like taking that shot and it still scares you but it’s worth it. You have stubble. Let that sink in for a moment. Stubble. Actual facial hair.
Ever since the first surgery you stand up straighter. You swim now and it’s okay. I remember how much you loved and hated swimming. You paint your nails and people still call you a man. Your hips are slimmer. You work out now and you’re really strong. You were in the military and you didn’t wear a skirt. I remember.
You have tattoos that mostly cover all those marks you made on hard nights. I was mad at you for those and I still am but it’s okay, don’t stress it. You’ll live.
Thank you for letting me live in your body and letting me take over and change it.
I’m sorry It came at such a great price for you. I know you miss your mom and you feel so alone but I’m here okay? I have always been and I will always be here. As for our mom, I’ll keep trying. I know that you ache all over and you’re cold but one day you will be so warm. You’ll feel complete.
Stay calm, keep warm. You are going to live. You are going to be yourself again one day.
I’m sorry I killed you but I needed to breathe. Thank you for living those first years out for me. Don’t hate yourself too much okay? I know it’s really hard right now but you’re going to be okay. That’s such a cliche and you don’t believe me but you will be.
Thank you for everything.
You did it and you are okay.
Take a deep breath every couple of hours.
Don’t beat yourself up too much, you never did anything wrong.
You are not wrong.
Lots of love,
P.S. I never hated you either.