February 16th 2016,
I want you to know that you are such an amazing friend to me. Ever since you entered my life you’ve been a source of joy, happiness and laughter. You make me smile when no one else can. You know just what to say. You reached out and touched my heart.
I saw your Facebook status and I want you to know I will always care about you and our friendship. I know you want to but you sometimes can’t. And I know that makes it hard for you to have relationships with people. But with me you can always be honest. Yeah it hurts but it means you trust me and that means more to me than anything else.
I know that I was weird about you talking to Emily and Britney and all that and honestly I get jealous because I am afraid of losing you to other friends which I know is stupid but sometimes I worry you will get bored of me or tired of my shit and not like me anymore. And I couldn’t stand to lose you.
I don’t know what kind of mood you are in but I clarrisa that this helps in some way because I really really mean everything I say. I care enough for both of us. I couldn’t imagine my life without my best friend in my life,
February 19th 2016
This letter is a little different than the last one I wrote and you’ll probably never see it because I’m not going to show it to you. I can’t figure out my feelings. I’m so angry but I’m also so sad. I feel like I lost my best friend.
Oh, wait. I did. This morning when I woke up I remembered everything and how we aren’t friends, not even on Facebook. And I felt so much grief.
No one can understand how much this friendship meant to me or how hurt I am. We knew the best and worst about each other but we also had so much fun. Remember before Amanda? Remember pool? Remember the Halloween party. I was so happy when you started dating Amanda. It was the three of us in Amanda’s room listening to music, taking naps and occasionally doing homework.
When you began cutting who was there? When you almost killed yourself who was there? Even recently I thought our bond would never break. I thought we would be friends forever. I imagined us weathering the rest of sophomore year, junior year, senior year together. You were a source of comfort to me. How could you leave me?
“Jesus Fucking Christ! I’m not your therapist” “There’s always some world ending dilemma going on with you” I thought you of all people could understand what it’s like when there are demons in your head. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind and you don’t know how terrifying this is to me.
I’m so angry. I want you to suffer. I clarrisa you feel a fraction as bad as I feel. Did our friendship mean nothing? I wrote you a goddamn letter telling you much you meant to me. I can’t believe you would leave me. I can’t believe you would unfriend me. It’s like being slapped in the face. Do you know how humiliating this is to me? You basically shouted to the world our friendship meant nothing.
I don’t wish you were dead but I feel like you are. You are dead to me anyway. You hurt me in a way no one else has. And yet I am still so confused. Are you jealous of Bryan? Don’t you know I would have done anything for you? Day or night, anytime of day if you needed me I’d be there. You changed Derrick but who was there for you despite it all?
I hate her. I hate her.
Derrick has been talking to Emily and Britney and they have taken his side. The voices. The voices are winning. The voices have won. I can’t fight any longer. Am I crazy? I’m crazy. I should have gone to the ER. I should be dead. I wish I was.
Derrick, how could you throw me away then go to my friends. It must be the voices. How could you talk to my friends? I never expected this betrayal from you.
People keep telling me the voices aren’t real. But I know better. Emily thinks I should to Wellness but what would they do? Put me away? Do you know what it’s like to be scared of your own head? To not know what you are capable of?
The voices are against me.
Derrick, you are no longer my friend. You are a tool of the voices. My best friend went to the voices. Who is next? Some say I’m paranoid But I know better. The voices think they can take me but they can’t.
They will NOT put me away. I am not crazy. I know the voices are real.
February 18th 2016
So I’ve had a long time to think about what to say in this letter. I was in the hospital (you probably know that) and I just got out yesterday. You probably don’t know but I am not coming back to school. The doctors won’t let me.
I know we are in a fight but I miss you so much. You’re my best friend. I was hoping you’d call and I guess I could have but I told you not to talk to me and wasn’t sure you’d want to hear from me. I didn’t have my phone either.
You really said things that broke my heart. Derrick, you’ve saved my life. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner: everything you’ve done for me. But I’ve been there for you too. And Amanda. A LOT. I helped you that day you almost…you know. I would help you anytime any day no matter what.
But I’ve been so wrapped up in myself I guess. I didn’t make that clear. I was just (am) so scared. My mind is deteriorating and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s terrifying. It’s like a prison.
I thought the voices had taken you. I thought you were against me. I even have a list I made of people I thought would leave me and all my friends were on it. I know you were at the top of the list because I was (am) so desperately afraid of losing you.
I remember very little from that day. So if I said anything or screamed at you I am sorry. When you care about someone so much, sometimes emotions get very intense.
I want to tell you one more thing: you said I chose Bryan over you. Well, I’m sorry if you thought that but it’s so far from the truth. I didn’t realize how much you needed me that day and that’s my bad. Bryan’s cool but he’s not my best friend and no one could ever replace you.
And I’m sorry I got jealous of you and Skyler. Because of my personality disorder I always get jealous when my friends make new ones. I know it’s childish- am working on it.
The worst part was when you told me you didn’t care about my problems. It was ammunition for the voices.
Well the balls in your court now Derrick. I clarrisa I see you this weekend when I come up. I miss you so much Derrick. You are like a brother to me and I love you dearly. If I did anything to hurt you, I would be devastated. I love and care about you. No matter what you’ll always be my best friend.
March 1st 2016
“Jesus Fucking Christ! I’m not your therapist” Those were the words you flung at me right before I entered the institution. Using my own mental illness against me, you made irreparable damage to a friendship so indestructible I had thought it to be a battleship. Turned out it was more like the Titanic.
It wasn’t just a fight. It was a spear that pierced the carefully placed armor I had erected to protect myself against this very thing.
They found me wandering the railroad tracks after the fight. I don’t remember it but apparently I was laughing and dancing around a lamppost. I was in the institution the next night.
I did my time (it was not my first bout with mental illness) and when I was released I had an email waiting for me.
This noice is to inform you that the Office of Residence Life has issued a temporary no-contact order strictly prohibiting you from attempting any form of communication with University student Derrick Beddingfield. This no-contact order includes verbal communication as well as any and all means of electronic communication (email, any type of social media, phone calls, text messages, etc.). Communication with Derrick Beddingfield through third parties is also considered a violation of the no-contact order.
Your no-contact order will remain in effect until you are told otherwise.
Failure to comply with your no-contact order while in effect will mean documentation through the Office of Student Conduct and response from University Police and/or Residence Life. See #11 of the Student Code of Conduct (“Failure to comply with the directives of University employees…”).
You told your family you were worried I was “violent”. Me your best friend since freshmen year, the one who walked two miles to get medicine for your girlfriend, who nursed you when you puked after having too much tequila, me who had been taken in by your family as their own.
We both know it was never about “violence” We know it was about Bryan. Bryan with his sarcastic wit who fell asleep on the kitchen floor because I was afraid of being alone and couldn’t sleep. Bryan who talked away the voices when they got too strong.
So this is my apology Derrick. I’m sorry I dated your brother. You were with Amanda, I didn’t know the feelings were there. And I didn’t know I felt them too.
I love you Derrick. But I guess now you’ll never know.