Look Me In The Eye
Anna paced the room, she was pulling on her hair as silent streams of tears ran down her face. Her mother was laying the hospital bed across the room. Anna kept her gaze on the floor not daring to look at the lifeless face of Elizabeth Jones. She paced faster and faster, until she found herself just spinning around.
She eventually found herself staring at the plain white walls. The room was brightly lit almost to the point it hurt your eyes, the walls were white, the floors were a very light tan color. There were a few bright blue plastic chairs in various places. Elizabeth Jones was in the bed, the bed was all white with the exception of the light blue blanket laying across her small frame. Various medical equipment Was hooked up to her, keeping her alive, but unconscious.
If someone were to take a breath they would smell cleaning supplies, and bleach. The room was silent except for the loud beeping of the machinery. The walls were bare, the floor was hard and cold. The white walls just gave Anna more room to think about what she had done. She had no distractions, to keep her from think of the horrific incident.
"Anna?" Came a raspy voice. Her tears came to a halt. Anna whipped around to look for the source of the voice. She looked around again and again .But in the end came to the conclusion that the person who had called her name, was a person she thought she would never speak to again. She dreadfully walked up to plain white hospital bed that healed her lifeless mother. however, her mother's emerald green eyes, we're open. As the young girl studied her mother's new appearance, she noticed just how different she really looked.
Her mother's once bright emerald green eyes, were now dull and mysterious. Her once healthy silky auburn hair, was now oily and sticking to her face. Her once tan complexion had turned white as a ghost. But through all the changes she still saw her sweet mother, the one who had raised her, alone. The one who always told her it was ok. But she just couldn't bring herself to go the her mother.
It was like someone had glued her feet to the floor. She tried to go to the older woman, to be there to comfort her like she once had, but she couldn't for every time she took a step, all the bad thoughts came back. It's your fault! you could have prevented this! You let this happen! Thoughts littered her head. But she had promised she wouldn't cry again.
"Anna?" The voice rang through the spacious room.
"Anna dear is that you?" She tried to sit up, but between how weak she was and her small frame, she couldn't hold herself up. Anna struggled for words. Every time she opened her mouth nothing came out.
"Yes Mamma," was all she could manage. She thought about happy times, with all the bad thoughts pushed, away, she walked up to her mother. The older woman opened her arms, motioning for a hug. Anna bent over and closed the gap between them. There arms were secure around each other's torsos. Anna felt Elizabeth smile into her shoulder, bring on upon her own face.
The door opened and a man in white came in. He motioned for Anna to speak with him outside. Reluctantly Anna escaped the tight hold her mother had. she stood up straight and smiled.
"I'll be rate back," she assured her confused mother. Elizabeth nodded and retracted her once outstretched arms. Anna stepped into the hallway and shut the door quietly trying not to draw unwanted attention.
“hello, my name is Dr. Beckmann,” he paused to check if Anna was paying attention. once he saw her eyes were indeed focused in on him he continued “ your mother's wounds were almost critical, she has Broken several ribs and fractured her spine, however she will recover from her injuries.” Anna's face lit with joy, but when she saw the doctor looked sad her face fell immediately.
“what is it?” she questioned. she looked into his dark brown eyes looking for an answer as to why he had the look on his face. he opened his mouth then closed it again as if he was searching for the right words.
“were you aware your mother has cancer?” he asked. his voice was deeper as if he knew the answer already. he had a look of pain on his face, and his voice showed sympathy. the news had hit Anna like a bag of rocks. thoughts jumbled her brain. here, there, everywhere, it was questions did she know? how bad is it? why didn't she tell me? she felt tears prick her eyes.
“how bad is it?” her voice sounded faint, almost like she was dying herself.
‘I’m afraid it's stage 4. It seems she has had it for quite some time and has gone without treatment.” Anna nodded to show she understood, she couldn't speak, she couldn't move, she couldn't even think, she was officially in shock. Dr Beckmann didn't know what to say so he continued.
"It has spread quite far and is critical, Between her condition and her cancer it is estimated," He paused, he blinked and took a deep breath. "It is estimated she won't make it through the night." Anna felt the blood drain from her face She started getting warm, her hands moved as fast as they could to fan herself. She nodded to the doctor and ran to the nearest bathroom.
She slammed the door she emptied the contents of her stomach into the pristine toilet. After several minutes of gagging and puking she found herself just laying on the cold, hard, floor. She was just laying there, her completion resembled her mother's, and she felt like she had committed a murder, or rather had been murdered.
"Why? Why her? Why not me?" She whispered no one in particular. "Why not me? Take me instead! Let her live!" She begged. "Please..." Just, let her live…
Elizabeth was beginning to get worried about Anna. she had been gone quite sometime now and wasn't visible from the small window beside the door anymore. Elizabeth used this time to think about what had happened… all she remembered was feeling a sharp pain in her chest, shoulder area, the it was all darkness. but in the darkness she saw Patrick and Anna, and they were a family again, they were finally living happily, then it was dark and rainy, the thunder of the rain could scare anyone, but not her. for she had much more to focus on.
Elizabeth was watching her husband Patrick die in her arms. it was like she was reliving that horrible day. February 13 2001, the day Patrick Ben Jones died. Anna was only 2 at the time so she doesn't remember her father, much to Elizabeth's wish, for if Anna had remembered her father, she would be even sadder that she had lost him.
Elizabeth was to lost in thought to notice Anna come back into the room. Anna watched as Elizabeth blinked slowly as she thought about her “dream” if that's what you could call it. When the older woman finally noticed her daughter was back in the room, her face turned worrisome as she wondered why her daughter looked so sick.
“Anna What’s wrong?” Anna ignored Elizabeth's question, she sniffled. trying to hold back the river of tears was harder than she had anticipated.
“why?” Anna asked, her eyes pleading for an answer. not just any answer she wanted the truth. “why didn't you tell me, mamma?” A look of guilt crossed the older woman face.
“I… well, if-” she stuttered, and slipped on her words. “I didn't know how to.” she said. Anna was silent. Elizabeth was looking at her with pleading eyes, he eyes were getting watery. It was getting late, outside of the small window it was easy to see the pitch blackness of the sky. Anna walked over to the window and looked at the stars, as she traced the constellations with her pointer finger, the atmosphere changed.
the once loud beeping of the machinery was now silenced by the thoughts racing through both women's heads. the room had noticeably gotten colder and it seemed the busy buzz of everyone was easily ignored by the two. suddenly Elizabeth started making a gurgling sound. this frightened Anna deeply. the younger female spun around to see her mother, she looked worse than ever.
her skin looked even paler than Anna ever thought possible. her face and arms were starting to turn to a slight blue color as the gurgling sound got worse and even started sound to like nails a chalk board. the heart monitor speed up until it was doing an obnoxious BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Anna ran over to her mother and grabbed her arm in pure fear. Elizabeth’s skin was cold to the touch causing Anna's hands to launch into the air. it was then when the nurses ran in.
One of the nurses pushed Anna outside and closed the door. faintly you could hear Elizabeth's screams, “I'm blind! I can't see! someone help me!” this crushed Anna. she watched through the small window beside the door, in horror as the nurses try to control Elizabeth. Anna watched as her mother's chest rose and fell at an alarming rate. then it stopped all together. Anna looked at her mother's face and saw a truly horrifying sight.
Elizabeth’s eyes were open, not normally either. her pupils were larger than they normally were and her eyes were open larger than if she was staring. her breathing had stopped and her pulse was no longer able to be found. Elizabeth Ann Jones had died. date of death, 10-21-2015. time of death, 10:38PM. it was then Anna’s eyes connected with her mother's dead ones, and she truly felt the pain of losing someone she loved.
Anna felt horrible, like someone had pulled her heart out and crushed it. She started banging on the door, in both anger and sadness. One of the nurses opened the door and before they could hold her back Anna had warped her arms around her mother’s dead form.
"I'm sorry mamma! I didn't mean to! It was an accident! Come back! Please... Just come back. I need you..." She screamed and yelled, her voice became hoarse from the sorrow, and pain. She refused to let go, All she wanted as to be with her mother.
Anna looked at her therapist, Patrick Wendell. Gradually he had helped her cope with her loss, but there still was that hole in her chest, that had build over time. After many moments of silence, he asked a question, that hit Anna hard.
"Do you feel it's your fault your mother..." He paused, he was searching for the right word as to not trigger anything. " passed," he concluded. Anna sat up straight, and swallowed a lump forming in her throat.
"I don't think I feel like it's my fault she died, but I certainly felt it was my fault she was in pain in the first place. I feel like if I hadn't hurt her, she would still be alive now, and surviving her cancer.” Dr. Wendell nodded but interjected.
“yes, but she didn't die because you hurt her, she died because of her cancer, it was an inevitable fate.” Anna sharply shook her head, she understood he just wanted to make her feel better about what she had done, but she couldn't help but get mad.
“No! it was my fault!” she got up and began to pace the room. “ if I hadn't been so stupid and accidentally stabbed her, she wouldn't have been hurt, if she wasn't hurt, she wouldn't be weak and if she wasn't weak…” she inhaled sharply. ” she would have won the battle.” she sniffled as to hold back tears that wanted to escape. “and she would still be alive,”
“if your mother could hear you what would you say to her?” Anna walked to the far corner of the room, as if she could have a deeper connection that way. She felt sad, not the sad she felt on that night, but a new kind of sad, almost disappointment, but worse.
“Mom, I wonder how I became so naive and selfish. I wonder why I gave you pain, instead of memories to cherish. I wonder how I could think about nothing but my own anguish. I'm sorry for hurting you and becoming your life's blemish. I'm sorry mamma.”
Author Notes: sorry if it sucks its my first time writing
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