Have you ever lost someone so close to you? The feeling is unexplainable. I guess you feel dejected and emotionless. Well at least I did anyway. You are talking but don’t really know what you are saying. You think to yourself, and you keep thinking to yourself and the thoughts are never ending. Just constant. The memories are the worst. They add on to the thoughts and just continue the never ending thought of them. You try convincing yourself that they are dead, but then you try to get rid of the denial and face the truth. You act as if they are still amongst you, but somewhere deep down you know they are not. You try to accept that they are not here with us but as soon as you do it feels as if you have thousands of knives stabbing your body. You can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t move. You just feel completely shattered. Nothing else matters, just the sole thought of them not being there for you anymore.
What happened to me to make me feel like this? I lost one of my best friends. The one I could always count on no matter what. My saviour. My hero. The person that always believed in me. I lost my father.
Something happens to you when you see your hero not breathing. The man that could have taken several bullets and survived or just soldier through it had gone from an internal illness. Something that was visible but also not. Now I am left alone, and swarmed with feelings but the placid, ice cold expression plastered on my face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Ha, talk about what. Talk about death… Death? Well, that’s easy. It’s the presence you are so used to being there gone. Physically, you are no longer alive. You are no longer breathing. Nothing works anymore; the mechanics of your once working body, pumping to keep you alive is not working. What about after death? What happens then? Does God really accept him to the afterlife called Heaven? Or when you die do you just die and no longer watch over me? When you are buried, does that mean a part of me died with you? It definitely feels like it.
What happens to me? How do I cope with you not being next to me anymore? “Always and forever in our hearts”. Always and forever’s are useless if they aren’t able to be with us anymore. “I’m sorry for your loss”. Why are you apologising to me? Why are you sad for me? Be sad that he is no longer here. Be sorry that he can no longer be living. I don’t want your apologies or your sympathy. “Are you okay?” Yeah, I’m ecstatic. Of course I am not okay, but you still ask and say irrelevant things to comfort me, to comfort his memory.
“Your dad lives through you, you guys are exactly the same.” Is that necessarily good? Or does that mean that everyone I am a walking reminder of him so that’s the reason why they burst into tears when I am around. Is that why my family are distant from the subject, knowing not to talk with me about it? It’s too sensitive and raw to be spoken about. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to do anything. I just want him back.
You promised me that you would stay with me even when the end comes, but you didn’t. You left. I’m terrified, sad and angry. I don’t want to be without you. I want you back.
My baba, I love you so much. I could never forget you.
Author Notes: Losing someone is difficult, never fear. You'll see them soon.
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Australia • 24 years old