I remember when you left.
The night when fires erupted within the city, when the inferno licked our windows.
When night lit up like day and roars filled the streets.
And I found your note nailed to the door.
I tucked your note away and searched for you.
You even left your clothes and uniform to burn.
I took the necklace I gave you.
The ring you promised me.
And all our memories together.
And ran from Kodar, far away.
Across the sea, away from the embers.
Away from the memories.
Burned away like they were nothing.
Do you remember the smell of the sea?
The sounds of birds in the distance?
When the times were good, and you were here.
Before the fires began, and burned away the woods.
When our hands weren’t stained in blood.
When mud didn’t cake our souls.
When the seabreeze made us feel warm and fuzzy,
and now leaves us dead and cold.
Remember the ring you pulled from the sand,
and the promise you made, when the seabreeze was
so, so welcoming?
I remember your sharp toothed smile.
Your glowing black and blue eyes.
Your red and black hair.
Your cute little ears.
I remember your scars.
Your burns and cuts.
Your blood stained tears and cries of anguish
at night, when you shook with the ferocity
of an earthquake.
I remember your voice.
Your little giggles.
The warmth of your hug.
The way you tensed up when I rubbed
at your back.
I remember the words “I love you”
on the beach.
I remember your note.
“It’s a thing of beauty, this is”.
It is, isn’t it?
The burned woods and the
lost memories of our home.
A sea of black in the sky, thousands and thousands of tiny twinkling stars poking
through, like the gods themselves took a pin needle and stabbed the sea.
I remember the screams in the night, gunshots echoing through buildings and
canyons and fields littered with craters.
I remember firing my pistol into your chest, Nathan.
Missing my shot in a panic.
Trying to patch you up while the helicopters came.
Not being able to save you.
And I saw you in Icarus.
Some sweet, kind soul in pain.
Someone who wanted to save me so many times, someone who was there when
nobody else was, a guide in the darkness.
And now both of you are gone.
And I am here, staring up at the stars.
Wondering where you are.
I took a walk in the woods today. Astinov’s forests are so serene and quiet.
Dostika had nothing like this.
I sat down against a tree and carved your name into it.
We were young once, my love.
A pair of dumb adults going through training together.
Firing massive artillery cannons in the fields.
The crescendo of fire and yelling was so beautiful back then.
Fighting under our red and black flag,
Now, people like us are hunted.
I had to change my history, my last name.
Everything about me had to change.
You’re still the same as before.
A flickering figure in the shadows.
I saw you today.
In the crowds in Iprans Bay, I saw you.
I KNOW I SAW YOU.
YOU STOOD IN FRONT OF A STORE SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
It was your favorite kind….the ones with red smoke…
You didn’t see me, but I SAW YOU DAMMIT.
WHY DID YOU LEAVE.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
Why didn’t you say hi…
Why didn’t you wave…
WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
YOU AREN’T HERE BUT WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
I stared at the hangman today.
He was so inviting and warm, and promised me a way out.
A way to see you again.
One tug and a snap, it’d be done.
Only a chair and rope needed.
A way into the Void.
To hold you and smell you again,
and feel your goddamned warmth again.
No, this isn’t it.
I took a gun out to the woods today.
One of the old rifles the ARWG used.
I fired a few rounds into a tree and heard the gunshots
from New Khizov, when you pulled me from the mud
and carried me through the flames and gunfire.
It was so tempting to splatter those leaves with my memories.
At the right angle, the bullet would destroy them.
At the right angle, I’d see you again.
But I didn’t.
I went home and put the rifle under my bed.
An escape plan, maybe.
Maybe a way out.
Dead or Gone?
But you’re not.
At least you could’ve died when you were home.
But are you dead?
Dead or just gone?
But you’re not gone, y’know?
Man I fucking miss you.
I still talk like you’re here.
I hope we see each other one more time.
I saw your shadow again today.
Some dark figure in the corner, eyes shining red,
your sharp toothed smile mocking me.
I heard your chuckle, distorted and unnatural.
I don’t think you realize what you do to me, love.
Your shadow makes me scared.
It shouldn’t scare me, but it does.
Is that such a bad thing?
I dunno anymore.
I dunno anymore.
It doesn’t seem worth it anymore.
There isn’t a light here anymore.
You aren’t here anymore.
And you’re never coming back.
I’ll leave these little notes here for you
If you ever decide to come back.
But I’m not.