"I'm sorry, I can't keep leading you on like this, I love you but I'm going to hurt you and the longer you hold on the more it's going to hurt you, I can't do this anymore." That's the words you said to me as we stood outside my house, tears streaming from the both of our faces. You knew the only thing I wanted in this world was you, that I would have tried anything to make us work. As I felt my shattering heart lump up in my throat, I replied, "I love you, and I don't care how much it hurts, I'd do anything for you." We stand there in silence, the boy who couldn't handle the thought of breaking someone who was already so broken, and the girl who wasn't ready to give up on the only love she'd ever had.
As you walked back to your car, head held down wiping the tears of hurt from your eyes, my whole body had just shut down. I became to crumble to the ground beneath me, letting out the loud cries and sad words that were going through my head. Trying to hold it all in, in hopes I could have gotten you back didn't work, and once you walked away and didn't turn back I realized you were gone forever, in fact, you were never really mine to begin with.
You knew I was dangerous to myself, I couldn't be trusted by myself, especially after something like this. You called my childhood best friend, who lived just down the road. You told her she needed to come over, I needed her more than ever now. You may have broken me, but you didn't mean to and you still cared. As much as I hate to say it, you saved me. If she wouldn't have come over I'd be gone right now.
You see the thing is I don't value myself, I don't value my life. Being abandoned and shoved away proved to me I was replaceable and not worth anything. Since the young age of 11, I've felt this darkness and loneliness inside of myself. I've been to therapy, I've tried thousands of things and I've been to the point of screaming at God with tears streaming, asking, "Why did you put me here? Why am I never enough?" I can't express to you how much a broken family can damge you.
You see loving you was good for me, but it wasn't forever and that is something that will always hurt me. The empty promises and untrue statement said to me, thast you may have meant at the time, but didn't mean forever. The lies and fights that were signs of us ending. I know I'm complicated, I know that. I'm happy one minute and crying the next, I'm play fighting with you then all the sudden I will turn into a real fight, and I don't take things lightly. But, through all this complication the one thing I can promise you is that I have never lied to you with those three simple words, "I love you".