I steal a glance at him from across the couch. He is sipping his morning coffee while staring at his emails. He doesn't notice my gaze and I know that he is already in his work world. A smile spreads across my face. My heart flips and transcends me back to those feelings when I was in love. Gossshhh, I think I'm falling in love with my husband. He chooses that minute to give me one of his looks 'what's cooking in your head, again?' I try to be cool like I got this under control. And giving him my all-good-here shrug, I walk away. As tempting as it was to just take a seat beside him and made him hear the words I couldn't say, I decided not to.
Love is scary. And I didn't want to put myself in that vulnerable place again for the second time by telling a man that my stupid brilliant sweet naive heart was in love with him. But then again, I'm human which made me turn around for the second time to look at him. And right then, he catches my shadow over his screen and turns around to ask me if everything was alright or if I wanted to talk about something.
Shut up , shut up ; you Damn heart of mine. My mind silently tells him; how about you tell me that I already got your heart so that my lame heart settles down at it's supposed place. I can see that he is now more confused than before. Oh hell! I don't want to ruin his morning. I really don't so I walk up to him and ask what would he like for breakfast. He laughs and reminds me 'Do I have a choice? You know just one thing to put together' his grin kick starts my heart. That disturbingly makes me laugh. And with that he leaves, leaving me standing there more in love with him than a minute before. What am I going to do now?
That is the thing about love. It makes you feel strong and yet drops you in that vulnerable pit. I check the clock and oh damn; it's already time for him to leave. I wonder how quickly the mornings roll by. Wish I could stretch it so that I could watch him and enjoy the view. What? I'm allowed to oggle at him, after all he is legally mine.
Standing in the middle of our living area, I lost the tick of the clock and he is already out dressed. He looks concern now. I'm acting funny. I don't know for how long I had been alone with my thoughts. He holds my hand and takes me to the couch. My system gets scared by being so near to him. What if my heart fails to contain the words? And worse what if he doesn't say it back? I can't handle that again. It was okay the first time but not with him. He is my husband, isn't it not what he is suppose to do? To be in love with me. But then again, we live in different times than that of our parents. And I can't even handle the thought of the possibility that he is probably not in love with me. I close my eyes and breathe and gather myself. I tell him that it just something with work, and that it's nothing huge to be worried about. He stares me straight into my eye and says 'you walking like a lost soul in our house is huge for me' and that makes me smile. He smiles back and just like that my mind flips again and all I wanted to do was to touch his face and smell him. He offers to help me with my work issue. I laugh and tell him 'That isn't your area of expertise'. I start to leave telling myself if I wanna enjoy his view, at least I gotta feed this man. Watching me smile to myself, he asks me what is it that puts me in so many emotions all at once. Pouring his juice, I tell him 'that's my essence' and he nods his head in agreement, still smiling. Gosshhh! I might just kiss him already. Guilty. Yea.
I watch him leave and I can't help but say a silent prayer to bring him back home safe to me. I smile into my cereal and hurriedly leave to dress up for work. I'm happy. So happy that it scares me. I want to freeze time and make it stand still so that I can forever enjoy my bliss.
It's way past the time when he usually returns and he isn't here yet. I sigh. Whom was I kidding? Why would he hurry back to see me? Obviously he is not in love with me. And that kind of makes me angry. I go straight to bed and my eyes tear up a little.
I don't know for how long I slept before my slumber breaks. I could feel him beside me but I pretend to sleep and lay there with my eyes closed. I tell myself angrily that I don't wanna see him right now and start to feel all that lovy dovy all over again. Just then he removes a lock of hair from my face and leaning in whispers 'Sorry it got late. Sleep well' and just like that my stupid heart betrays me by smiling so hard that it reflects on my face. I had to open my eye and Damn ! I hate him for making me feel this vulnerable. Looking at him, I melt. I tell him that it's no bigy but he could keep me posted..And he apologises. My love stricken heart forgives. I close my eyes again and drifting into sleep I mumble 'Sleep well'.
Author Notes: There's nothing i love more than 'Love' itself.
To love again <3
(Imagination is a pretty place but knowing myself , there is near to 100% probability of me falling in love with him, whoever that him is, first which is honestly scary)