Once, I used to write letters
to the people I lost, to the
people who used to love me but
Here are a few:
I fucking hate you!
You probably know this by now,
since, you know, you really fucked
me up in the head when I was, what,
ten? You’re the reason I’m like this!
You’re the reason I tried to commit
suicide, you’re the reason I WANT to
fucking die, all because of my FUCKING
I know you’ve started a new family, and
just had a son, even though you said you
had ovarian cancer and had to get all
of that taken out, claiming you’ve been
“Gifted by God!”. One day, your family
is going to learn the truth of what you did to me,
and they’ll realize what a piece of walking dog
shit you are!
I miss you, grandma.
You were a better mom than
Liz was, since you really cared,
and I know you were sick, but
I wish you were at least here
for another few years, and I wish
you could’ve quit smoking cigarettes
when I last saw you.
There isn’t a heaven but...I hope,
wherever you are now, it’s better there
than it was here.
I...I don’t know what to say.
I could pour out a whole book
about us, but I know you wouldn’t
have wanted that. You were...what’s
the word? You were...very pessimistic,
to say the least, as am I, and now…
now that you’re gone, now that my little
black ray of sunshine is gone...I don’t know
what to do…
Should I join you?
Should I stay here?
Should I just roll over and hug the spot where
you would’ve been lying next to me every night,
if we made it?
Should I cry into the shirt you gave me?
Or should I be moving on, since...you know…
you would’ve wanted that?
I want to kiss you one more time…
I want to hug you and cuddle one more time…
I want you to fill me up with that warm feeling
you gave me whenever we sat in front of the TV,
watching movies all night…
I want you to come back…
Why did you want this?
People say I should move on but I just can’t.
I...I just can’t…
Not without you…
Here I am, growing more and more
despondent and disconsolate…
...I love you, Jane...