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Madazine : Congratulations : Please Claim Your Prize

Madazine : Congratulations : Please Claim Your Prize

By Scriptorius - 1 Review

Congratulations : Please Claim Your Prize

“Thank you for calling the Cosmoid Group of Companies. If you wish to speak with Cosmoid Imports and Exports, please press 1. If you wish to contact Cosmoid Merchants, please press 2. If you wish to contact Cosmoid Traders, please press 3. If you wish to contact Cosmoid Financing, please press 4. If you wish to contact Cosmoid Lotteries, please press 5.


“Thank you for telephoning Cosmoid Lotteries. All our operators are busy at present and your call has been placed in a queue. We guarantee an answer within five minutes. Please enjoy the soothing music.”

“Good morning. This is Cosmoid Lotteries. If your query concerns General Administration, please press 1. If your query concerns prize distribution from any year but the current one, please press 2. If your query concerns the prize draw for this year, please press 3.”


“Thank you for calling Cosmoid Lotteries Current Distribution. All our operators are busy at present. Your call has been placed in a queue and will be answered within three minutes. Please enjoy the soothing music.”

“Good morning. Cosmoid Lotteries Current Distribution. May I help you?”

“I hope so. Frankly, I’m getting a bit impatient. I was asked to wait five minutes to get through to you, then a further three minutes to actually speak to someone. I’d say you overstepped the bounds in both cases.”

“No sir, we did not. All calls are recorded. Your first wait was of four minutes, fifty-seven seconds and the second one was two minutes, fifty-eight seconds. We always honour our promises.”

“I see. Well, you asked me to return the form you sent, then phone you today. I understood that I’d qualified for a prize of eight hundred thous – “

“Yes, sir. Please permit me to introduce myself. I am Luis, and you are . . .?”

“Green, forename Jo . . . hey, are you laughing at me?

“Certainly not. Some of our connections are giving trouble. I believe it is called tittering on the line.”

“Don’t you mean twittering?”

“Possibly. I do not understand these technological expressions.”

“All right. Now, where do we go from here?”

“Could you give me your winning number?”

“It’s WW 00373 7779 WW 27477 WW 009.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ll just repeat that.”

“Oh, no. All those W’s and sevens take time. I’m sure you’ve got it.”

“I hope so, sir. And your name is Green?”


“Very good. Please wait a moment . . .Yes, your name and number correspond with our records.”

“I’m pleased to hear it, especially as I didn’t buy a lottery ticket.”

“That isn’t necessary. The prize winners are generated randomly from inhabitants of the Western Hemisphere. No tickets are sold. The prize money comes from a foundation set up by a man who made a fortune by playing games of chance. He wished to give back to the gambling world something of what he had gained from it.”

“Ah, so that’s how it works. Now, what’s next?”

“It’s very simple. There are only three formalities. First, you returned the bank transfer form. It’s most important for us to check that your signature was the one you normally used for your bank.”

“Of course it was. Go on.”

“You did not supply details of your account. We need that information in order to transfer the funds. Could you help us with this?”

“Yes, it’s ISBN – “

“Pardon the interruption. That is the International System of Book Numbering. The bank account starts with IBAN – “

“Oh, yes. Silly of me. I’ll give you it in a moment. Meantime, what about the second point?”

“It is of great value to us to learn the domestic status of prize-winners. Are you single, married, separated, divorced, a widower, or in another category?”

“Is there any other?”

“We have not encountered one yet, Mr Green, but we must allow for the possibility.”

“Fair enough. I’m a bigamist, but that would come under married, wouldn’t it?”

“Very much so. Now, it only remains for me to – “

“Here, I’ve got it. You want to keep people on the phone, don’t you? The name of the game’s procrastination, isn’t it?”

“Porcastrination? I don’t understand.”

“I’ll bet you don’t. Porcastrination, eh? Look, you’re a foreigner, aren’t you?”


“Oy, there’s no need for that kind of talk. Let’s keep it polite, shall we?”

“I was speaking of ethnicity, Mr Green. Anyway, we are all foreigners outside our national borders. Even the Chinese account for only a fifth of the world’s population.”

“Good point. What I meant was that you’re not British.”

“That is true of over ninety-nine per cent of us, Mr Green.”

“Oh, right. Well, let’s get back to basics. You want me to fork out a pound a minute for this call, don’t you?”

“I can’t comment on that.”

“I bet you can’t. However, I refuse to be deflected. What do you want me to do? Don’t go back to the bank account – I’ll get to that in a jiffy. What’s the third of those formalities you mentioned?”

“You are unusually diffic . . . perceptive, Mr Green. Very well. You can register your claim by pressing the ‘any’ key, then we’ll return to the bank matter.”


“No, Mr Green, that was not the ‘any’ key, was it?”

“What do you mean? So far as I know, there’s no such thing as an ‘any’ key on a phonepad.”

“Ah, how unfortunate. I’m afraid that as you have been unable to comply with our requirements, the prize money concerned will be included in our next draw.”

“Look here, I’m monitoring this. I’ve been on the phone for over twelve minutes. You’ve leased this line, so you can rake in the call charges, right?”

“It’s thirteen minutes, forty-nine seconds, Mr Green. Sorry you didn’t win. Better luck next time.”

* * *

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16 Sep, 2018
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