I hate me…..no I don’t even know me any more
You know your life is terrible when you wouldn’t wish your problems on anyone else ever. Every day it has become a routine to put on my mask and hide the scars. I use large metal bracelet to cover my fresher cuts (which have now made a small permanent mark). Put on makeup do your hair and be a bit loud and bitchy when you get to school normal week day for me. I don’t know why I’m upset over it anymore no one listens to me and I have been trained to have 2 emotions happy and serious. I’ve tried suicide twice to no success (pills/ water) I want to try again but my thoughts have brought me to the thought what if death is just nothing and blackness.
When I was little the 1st time I cried in front of my father he hit me and said shut up you are privileged to live in this house with this family from then on I would cry alone in my room. The 2nd time he found me and hit me again and again shut up you are privileged to live in this house with this family with a new addition ill give you something to cry about. Mean while my mom would do nothing because it wasn’t her problem father constantly makes mistakes and blames me. EX he was supposed to pick me and my brother up from school he was late by an hour then he sent an employee of his to drop me and my brother off at home she left promptly when we got of the car we were locked out my older brother had a phone but he didn’t tell me so I had to go over to the neighbors house crying and ask to use their phone dad yelled at me like it was my fault like most things.
They’d used to say get along with your brother he will be your best friend later in life. This thought made me think of suicide every time they said it. since I was 4 the physical abuse from started and got progressively worse Thomas my brother started learning from my father. He would say things that would make me want to jump in the pool in the backyard and not come up. My favorite one was when I was In 2nd grade and he was in 4th after he found a note saying I was going to commit suicide and he looked me straight in the face and said “don’t do that, of you did that I would be sad because I wouldn’t have a punching bag any more”, Plus many more. He would beat me in front of my family and friends and I would scream for help but the most I got was a shut up. The grace period was 5th grade he mostly left me alone for some reason. Then in 6 and 7th grade (his 8 and 9th grade years)he started coming into my room at times like 3am when I was asleep and he would try to move my blankets and clothes without wakening me up. I have memories of this happening at least 13 times I don’t know how far he got. I don’t how he gets away with so much he is selfish manipulative he plays it just perfectly so everyone wants to help poooorrrr Thomas while I have to act as son, daughter, wife, maid, and with a smile currently. I’m 14 going on 30 Thomas and I have been to at least 2 different physiatrists/therapists each I always say he is manipulating everybody but no one believes me every one thinks that I’m normal and happy while Thomas sits there and looks into space. He always finds a way to get what he wants that’s the perk of beading the “damaged child”.
My mother is one of the worst she is a woman who will because you pain then try to comfort you. Along with her marvelous quality of saying she will do something to help you bet nothing ever happens. She has no job all she does is sits at home on the couch and complains that there is not enough time to do everything. Except the first time I told her about Thomas sneaking into my room she got me a special lock witch the key was kept in the junk drawer in the kitchen and promptly disappeared (I think Thomas has it). she constantly complains about me being fat(I’m smaller than her) I have no friends while she steals my clothes ,lies to me ,complains about everything I do, makes me do her chores ,getting good grades ,and with a smile mother tries to convince me that my father and her love me and I’m wonderful. After these talks 90% of the time I feel like cutting myself (currently once every 2 weeks)
Now I have learned to replace my families love with having many flings with older men. I figure if my family doesn’t need me I don’t need them. I don’t know if I will ever find someone to love me but I hope. I have no choice for now but to stay here until like father says “Marry rich” like he did or get a good job.