I am the type of person that only care about what other people think about me. It's extremely uncomfortable for me to try to convince someone that I'm normal. When I see it's not going well... it ends with a lie. No one really knows who I am. I am afraid that one day all the pressure and lies will finally make crack, and I'll have some type of a nervous breakdown... I hope not. Doesn't every one have a breakdown? No matter whats wrong in there life. There is something always wrong, and you can never really fix it without doing something drastic, maybe even evil. you start to become freaked out with the thought in you head and you want to kill that thought. Maybe that' what causes people to commit suicide. It might not be that simple, I dont know. When the news reports that someone committed suicide every one says that the suicidal person is crazy and stupid for killing them selves,but it depends. know one knows what was wrong with them no one knows why they did it. It could be guilt, boredom, depression. No one kills them selves for no reason. There mind is the villain, emotions, love and hate. The suicidal person is nothing but a superhero, getting rid of the villain, so it wont hurt them or anyone else.
I wouldn't kill myself. I'm scared to die, for now. But I am bored. I want to be and do something special... maybe even unnecessary. Every day I sit on the couch and watch reruns or sit on the computer and play online games. It's gets old. I have no friends to visit. Every one sort of picked up my failed attempt to be normal. I never use to want to be normal, it seemed boring to me. At school I listen to nearby girls they usually talk about things that seem weird to me. They talk talk about the boys they like and they talk badly about their "friends". That's not normal, that's vile. Most of these things I would be embarrassed to share. I sit with a group of boys at lunch, Figured out the girl thing wasn't working out a long time ago. I dont really fit in this group either. The boys talk about if they would "do" a girl and video games. They don't necessarily consider me as a girl I guess, but a couple of geeks came up to me and asked me out. I have never said yes. I guess I don't fit in a group. My mom says there's lots of girls like me, I just want them to appear somehow, I'm sure we would get along. I have tried to be something I'm not though. I have tried to be Gothic, scene, girly. Tom boy doesn't even work for me.I'm not smart enough to be a nerd and I really dont even know what a geek is but I'm sure I'm not one of them. Is there a group for all the extras, the people that don't fit no were else. I have had friends that i liked over the years, they seemed as abnormal as me, but I moved from my last "decent" possy. I have one friend I have known since kindergarten, I guess shes kinda special since I have kept her for so long. She lives in Virginia. We talk over phone. I consider her just as weird as me, but in a different way. Shes Gothic. It's weird that she fits in a group but is just as weird as me. We are complete opposites. Shes load and outgoing while I am quite and shy that might be why we are so compatible.
Lots of people say that they dont know what to talk to me about. Its like I'm a black wire and every one tries to connect me to the reds and the blues. I need to find the other black wires but they hide in the shadows of the other wires and waits for their turn to be connected. I know I will get that chance but I'm afraid I will miss it. I admire alot of people. I took a quiz on the internet once. It was Titled what's my purpose in life. It said that my purpose in life was to love. It made since to me. That night I was laying in bed and thinking. Just because my purpose is to love doesn't mean I am going to be loved back. I tried my hardest to block that thought from my head but it found its way in. Love is very Important to me for some reason. When ever I watch a romantic movie I take mental notes about what the main woman is like, why she is so loved by the man, Then a new thought struck into my mind. What If I'm the type of person that tries to find them selves through other people. Is that why I'm so mixed up and confused about life?
Maybe there is a couple of screws and bolts missing from my mind, A bike wont work right until it has all the right pieces. I know one day the hole in my heart will be filled and I wont fell so empty. Until then I will hold myself together and hopefully wont let go.but all and all I am who I am and I really can't change it, sometimes I dont even wont to. I don't hate who I am. I am Melody