It was my first day at a new school, in grade three, and I was nervous as any one would be. I heart drummed and my knees wobbled all the new girls in my class drifted in to one group and the old girls drifted together and made to much of an effort to make new friends. And then I saw her. She was talking to her sister who was a grade above but other wise alone. Her sister did not really want her around as who wants there little sister leaning on their shoulder every where they walk. So I went and said hello. We instantly became best friends. We had heaps in common. We both had a love hate relationship with music, were on music scholarships and actually now I look back that was about it I should have picked up on this at the start but I glossed over it. Her name was Tammy.
Grade three came an went and we moved up as great friends. Grade four announced our groups expansion as we together met Nicole and Erica. Really we had nothing in common. But they all seemed to chat excitedly together and I was content to listen and nod in all the right places. My life was next to perfect I was friends with what at the time were the coolest kids in the grade, I was being invited to all the parties and I felt included. But as I said my life was next to perfect.
I guess grade five was when it all change. Our class doubled in side and all these girls came rushing in on top of us, actually, me. They were all really nice and friendly and it was then when I saw all those new people that I also saw Tammy slip away. These new girls brought with them make-up, latest songs, celebrity crushes, new looks and our group seemed to fade away. The other three latched onto different girls although Nicole and Erica remained close friends. So I went to place and talk to the new girls they accepted me although never totally let me in. When we walked I trailed at the back and was never asked to join the conversation. Whenever they talked to me it was me who made the effort but after a few kind words they resumed there previous conversation with the other girls. Tammy now seemed like a distant past that belonged to someone else rather than myself. I wanted to block her out now and to move on but whenever Tammy came over because someone had said something she did not like or shed had had a fight with her other friends I showed her the sympathy that I wanted her to show me. I tried to show her kindness but it did not always work. I think what pained the most through out grade five and six, was not that Tammy had left, along with Nicole and Erica, but that they seemed not to notice that I was left alone, that I walked at the edge of the crowd or when at a party or even just in the playground they did not notice me if I was standing next to the person that they were talking to or if they did they, chose to ignore me.
Then Tammy left, she left for another school when she left I made up that I was sad that she was leaving, and I was, but more because it meant I could never fix the relationship we had once had. As each of my friends dropped away I felt a part of me drop away to and I cold never reach to pick it up again. Before I received the scholarship and was attending another school I had friends, three of them, who I could really count on. It was not a pain to talk to the and to them it did not matter if I was slightly different to them. They excepted me. I met one of them in the past school holidays and although it was slightly odd at the beginning for we had not talked in a year or more we were still friends. We had things I common and we spoke together with ease. Sometimes I miss them so much that the tears spill but when my parents ask what is wrong I can not bring myself to tell them, after all it is not like they can make them change schools so I could be best friends with them again.
'If you could, would you go back? Back to your life before or change schools again?'
No one has ever asked me this question and if they did I am not sure I would have the courage to answer.
But to answer the question, yes. I will always chose to go back. If I could see there faces again even if for only one year I would be happy again as I have not been fully in years. Changing schools now would be hard as I do not know the majority of the students now their but if I could see my three friends again and know that they would be there everyday as I walked through the gates, I would do it.
But as I said, no one has ever asked me that question.