How are you?
No matter what your eyes said the last time we met, I know it can't be easy for you. It can't be easy for anyone. Even for the one who messed it up - me. Its been almost a week effectively and its worse than I had thought. The gaping hole that is left behind you, bullies me against touching it. I am only allowed to feel it. It taunts me day and night. Since you left, it is my only companion.
Its not even the pain that's worst, because one can get used to that; one can live with it. It's the other things that sting harder. They say you move on. But when they say that, they take it for granted that you 'want' to move on. Now here's the thing though - why the hell would I want to move on from what felt like a dream come true, like a reality from a parallel universe I am getting to enjoy because of some fortunate mistake or a glitch in the system of the cosmos ; like a technicality that I was somehow able to abuse to feel alive in a world that was otherwise designed to kill me.
And now the celestial writers of the destinies are laughing their asses off and my angels are face-palming themselves at the irony of it all - that it was finally I, who did the undoing of myself - and of you.
I sometimes wish I really was an alien robot from another time with some kind of super technology. Either that, or a wizard with spells. In either case, I wish I had the power or spell to erase myself from your mind. To erase all my memories from your consciousness. I would make you forget why you once loved me, just so you would forget why you stopped. And then maybe, we could start again.
And if not that, I would plant a seed of my existence inside your brain. And I would wait for it to sprout and sprout and grow and grow inside you, until I am a lush tree inside of you, with roots so deep in your consciousness that you would find yourself thinking of me everyday, until you start merging into me. And then my thoughts would be your thoughts and your fears will be my fears. We would be a single existence, a unified organism - questions and answers, prayers and boons, fears and assurances - all wrapped in one.
If I could do all that - maybe, maybe...I would have had you one more time. But I guess I cant, and so I guess I wont.
But I do stay up late at night thinking if you are thinking of me. I look for you in my phone, trying to see if you are online. And when you are, even the thought that you are looking at your phone exactly when I am looking at mine, is enough to make me skip my heartbeat.
Sorry for hampering with your process of moving on by still writing about you. I will stop if you ask me to. The good thing (if any) is that you can't ask me to not love you anymore or to not miss you...I guess maybe I wasn't very good at loving you? But I sure as hell am a damn legend when it comes to missing you, it turns out...what a pity! I have realised I havent really written for myself in over two years. The two years I spent with you. I think writing and loving are either/or things for me. Maybe because they are the same. Maybe my writing is just my love for you, condensed to a different state of being, through a process of painful sublimation. Maybe that's why I didn't need words when I had you. But now I feel the desire to turn my love into words for the outside world, because you wont take it from me anymore.
I hope you don't even read this to be honest. I know it's not going to do anyone good. But you were both - my home and my escape. And now you ask me to let go of both. You and I had felt each other in a way which was less like knowing each other or more like remembering an old forgotten song. A song you know you loved listening to on breezy Sunday afternoons in the childhood life years back, but now you are rediscovering it in a different time - in a time where no other song makes sense.
I am sorry for being the reason for the song to fade out. I have given you a big pain and myself the biggest regret of all.
I hope someday years later we will be able to look each other in the eye and talk about these things.
Author Notes: By all means, fall in love. By all means, break your heart.