My "Foot" Problem

My “Foot” Problem

First of all, let me say that I love the great outdoors. I love being in nature. These great big forests all over America. I enjoy visiting each and every one of them.

It’s always been a dream of mine that when I retire, to buy or build a house or cabin out in the middle of nowhere. To live there, if not all year, at least part of the year.

To watch the sun set from my hot tub while drinking a cold brewsky and just soaking it all up.

To wake up to the birds chirping and smell the aroma of the morning breeze.

What could be better than that?

So, for many years, I saved up my money for the day I could retire and finally live my dream.

That day finally came a year ago when I took an early retirement and started to look for a home or cabin in the woods far away from anybody or anything. To live my life out in the country with nature.

I started looking on the internet and local papers for anything out in the woods.

I looked and looked until I found a few houses or cabins that would fit my needs: electricity, car garage, a road in and out, hot tub and a fire place.

The first house I visited was nice, but small and no garage.

The second one was a cabin, big but no electricity or hot tub.

The third was perfect, but way too much money for me to afford.

The fourth had promise.

It was big enough with an upstairs to it, a garage, if in bad condition, but repairable, a generator for electricity, not much of a road but sufferable, and a hot tub and fire pit, plus it was very affordable.

This house was the best I could do for now. If at some point I could find a better place, I might move. But for now, this looked like my best option.

The one thing that puzzled me about this house was why is it so cheap?

I mean, it’s not a five star hotel but it’s not a one star dump, either.

I contacted the owner and made him an offer.

Even though this house was cheap enough, I still offered less than the asking price, if only to meet the owner face to face and ask him some questions.

We agreed to meet at a coffee shop in the nearest town to this house.

We got together and to my surprise, he accepted my low ball offer right away.

But before I could close the deal, I had to ask him something.

Why is this house so cheap? Everything else I saw was so much more money and for less, sometimes a lot less, then this house had to offer.

He was noncommittal, stating that he just wanted to get rid of it, never had an interest in nature, and just liked city life, in general.

I should have been suspicious after seeing him drive away in a pickup truck with a stuffed bear in the flat bed and rifles hanging on the back of the cab.

But none the less, I looked forward to my new home in the woods. My haven before heaven, my hearth and home, my respite.

Titles transferred and I started moving in, little by little.

I brought a king size bed for my upstairs bedroom and even brought a sofa bed in case I had company ever.

I decided to buy a cord of fire wood for my fire pit, for when I want to have a marshmallow roast to celebrate my first weekend there with some close friends.

I also wanted to stock my refrigerator with beer. I knew what everybody liked, so I brought three cases of it plus other beers, so we would have enough.

Not to forget, if my close friends were going to stay with me for my first weekend, I need some steaks, dogs, burgers and sauce, plus silverware.

I began to move some furniture in while keeping some at my house that I owned in the city.

I was going to maintain two residences. One in the city, one in the country.

The weekend was approaching and I had to act fast. The firewood, I got at a supermarket, the beer there too, along with the food.

I took it all out to my new house in the woods. I was so proud.

I get there and started unloading my car. Firewood over here, food and beer in the refrigerator. I started the generator to get electricity to keep the food fresh and cool the beer. I barely had enough room in the fridge for everything.

I checked the hot tub, to make sure it worked.

No problem. It started right up and I could feel the water warming up too. Everything was set for this weekend. I left the generator on to keep the food fresh and beer cold. I locked up and left for my city house.

On Friday, the start of the weekend, I headed out to my country house to get ready for my weekend guests.

As I got to my house, the first thing I noticed was the front door was open. I know I locked it before I left.

As I got out of my car, I began to wonder what was I going to find.

The first thing that caught my attention was this stinky, nasty smell all over the place, then as I looked down on the ground, I saw a huge footprint in the mud.

What kind of slob walks around barefoot? Doesn’t he worry about stepping on something?

But then it hit me, what if he isn’t just a slob but a big foot slob. I’ve heard about them.

I go into my house and what’s the first thing I see inside. The fridge is wide open. This big foot slob couldn’t even close the door to the fridge. But as I get closer, I see the most horrible thing I could ever image.

All my beer is gone and then I see the food is all gone, too.

What am I going to do, they’ll be here in a couple of hours and I’ve got no food or beer at all.

I decided to look upstairs and check out the bedrooms. The small bedroom looked like someone hairy had tried to get into the bed but couldn’t. The next medium size bedroom also looked the same, but my king size bed was covered in greasy hair and smelled awful too. I felt like Goldie Locks and the Three Bears, but this time, I was Pappa Bear and the slob was Goldie Foot.

Then I decide to go out behind my house where the hot tub and fire pit are.

The Puppet Master I found a few beer cans that this big slob hadn’t drank yet, but those were the cheap cans. I could see this big slob had good taste.

He or she also ate all my steaks and dogs and burgers too.

Not only that, somehow he or she got the hot tub running and took a nice long soak in it. How do I know? There was grease, long dirty hair in and all around the hot tub and half the water was splashed over the sides of the hot tub.

I’m all for communing with nature and I would never think to say that all the animals and forests in the world are just for my personal enjoyment but this is too much.

I don’t mean to vent, but I can’t help it. I mean, who do I complain to about this big hairy monster. Is there nobody responsible for what big foot does? Should I call the game warden, but big foot isn’t an animal that you can hunt, not that I know of. The police are too busy with crime committed by humans to look for a criminal mastermind “big foot”. The Secret Service, they take care of the president and they would laugh at me if I called them.

Maybe there is some secret government agency that deals with these big hairy goons, but if there is, I don’t know it or how to get in touch with it.

What’s more, I still have this get together and now with no food or beer.

I guess this is what they call Karma.

You think you have it made, everything going your way and then “kaboom” “Bamb” everything goes away, all in a minute.

All I can do now is buy more beer, steaks and dogs before my guests arrive and clean up the mess “What’s his foot” left me and hope for the best.

What’s more, I dare not say anything about what The Puppet Masterhappened, for fear they’ll think I’m crazy.

Now I know why I got this place so cheap.

Author Notes: Now you know why your parents warn you about the great outdoors.

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