Sometimes i wonder if the world is real. Now yes i know that then i touch the grass it is there, but i don’t mean that kind of real I mean. Am I actually choosing anything? Sometimes i wonder if i am being played with like a doll and everything that happens is just a figment of some little girls imagination. Or a reality being played over and over.
If i were the mom of the person who played with my life i would probably cry. i mean what mom would want to find out that there little girl is tormenting her dolls. What mom would want to go into her little girls room and find a doll, Broken and cut with the words of self hatred all over. Well if you really want to know what was going on with the little girl it is probably important i tell you about a dream she had.
Rebecca closed her eyes, and rested her head on an unfamiliar pillow. She was only 10 years old. She had dreamed that her sister, mother, and her had gone to visit old friends in a once familiar place they used to call home. Rebecca remembered everything being so perfect there. It was always warm she was with friends all the time. This was different though, everything was so different. People grew impatient. Everything was tense, thats how the dream began.
Rebecca woke up confused. She knew i was just a dream, but couldn’t understand that a once beautiful place had become so dark and broken. That next night she hoped her dream would be more happy. The room has changed its hard to breath, everything feels like they are surrounded in shadows. She’s fallen asleep again, but the dream has not changed. She’s sitting on the couch next to her mother. The woman who she’s always wanted to be. standing up off the couch she walks around the room, theres a big screen door that Rebecca slowly walks over to and pulls open, walking outside she could feel the coolness of the night in the tiles. She walks over to the railing and slowly looks down. Terrified she jumps back. She’s in an apartment so high up it was like you could touch the clouds. the drop was to steep to handle, so she turns and walks away.
Closing the doors behind her, Rebecca goes back to the couch. In the seat next to her mother. They are both enjoying watching mythbusters when a commercial comes on thats louder then normal. Her mother asks to had the remote, but Rebecca playfully smiles and pretends not to hear her. So her mother tapes her on the arm a little harder then i think she meant. Rebecca only 10 years old doesn’t realize and nudges her on the arm back, of course still smiling. Her mother gets up with the all happiness that Rebecca had in her hands, stands up looks at Rebecca and yells “Don’t you ever disrespect me like that.” One slap after the other, slowly hitting all the happiness out of Rebecca’s life. Slap after punch, and the only thing Rebecca can do is take it. Sobbing screaming “IM SORRY, I DIDNT MEAN IT, IM SORRY, MOM! MOM STOPP PLEASE.” Her mother won’t stop though. She’s sitting there for what feels like decades, hair getting pulled scratches on her arms. When its finally over her mother goes and sits down. Looking at her laughing. All Rebecca can say is one last thing before she’s gone, “you don’t deserve to live on this planet.” She turns and walks back to the sliding doors. The once cool air is now cracking her skin as she steps out onto the cold tiles. Rebecca walks over to the rod railing, she slowly looks down. She’s not afraid anymore, what does she have to be scared of. There was nothing left of her, no control. She keeps putting more of her body over the railing when, her sister comes to her mind.
Drenched in sweat Rebecca wakes up from the nightmare. No, not a nightmare a memory. A time in her life that will never be forgotten. the dolls that were all marked and cut, covered in words of hatred. Thats not just something in her head anymore thats Rebecca, replicated on a doll. Its not in her head anymore. Its on me. I am the doll, I am Rebecca.