Pain

It's weird to me that I can cry for less than an hour in the morning, then spend the rest of the day with that feeling in my eyes that reminds me I was crying; as if it's been mere moments, not hours, since I was sobbing to myself. It's like the emotions refuse to be forgotten even after I've run out of the energy for tears. Or maybe it's my body's way of reminding me that I've been hurting for too long, and one morning of release isn't enough.

Because I have been hurting for too long. I've been hurting since before I knew what was making me hurt, for years and years now. It doesn't make sense that a lack of something, something I've never even had, should hurt so much. But it does. Oh, God, it does.

Maybe the hurt wouldn't be so bad if I had never had a taste, never gotten a glimpse, of the thing I so desperately lack; maybe if I had never known her, I never would have met this thing inside me that is asking, pleading, begging, for more than what I can ever have. Once, I didn't know what I wanted, and the not knowing was so much easier than the realization, and everything that came after. Maybe if I still didn't know, I could keep living my life thinking that one day, in the distant future, I'll be happy with a little traditional family and life like the people I grew up with made me think was the only way life could go.

But no. I met her, I befriended her; I discovered a part of myself I never would have guessed existed, and spent the longest time telling myself it wasn't true. I guess I could only lie to myself for so long, because here I am now, drifting, lost, having finally let her go and stuck with only this thing that is inside of me— this thing that is me— eating away at me

every.

single.

day.

until I don't know how I can keep on going like this.

How many more breaking points can I take? How many more mornings are ahead of me in which life will be so unbearably painful that all I have left is to spend a morning crying to myself, the tears refusing to go away for good for hours afterwards? How can I live for decades more like this, with this raw and unforgiving need begging me for something I can't ever give?

Author Notes: Life sure sucks sometimes, huh?

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