REASONLESS

Its an another day of winter. The sun is peeping through the fog and mist, looking at me, in an irritating way. Snow has totally gulped the streets. White-and-white everywhere. Cold winds struck me rudely, seems they don't want to let me forward. I still continued walking, fighting those stormy cold winds.
My Mind is floating in the ocean of thoughts. My heart is heavy, thinking of 'something' . I don't know what that 'something' is. But whatever it is, it makes me sad, very sad.
I often see some things and listen some voices that other people refuse to agree.
Bloody decafs and blinds call me 'MAD'. They say I am a loon and mad person. " bloody edits and nonsense people".
Suddenly, I stopped. There are two divergent paths before me. One is covered totally with mist and the another one totally with snow. I don't know which path to chose, or I do.The first path takes me to infinity white and the another into extreme obscurity. I don't know where to go.
"oh! listen, listen carefully. Listen carefully.Listen to that voice. The second path is calling me towards it. I can, i can feel that attraction, that magnetic energy pulling me. Someone is ordering me to chose that path. oh! my ears will burst!".
Rivers of fear shivered me. But i can feel the happiness behind that fear.
I want to go to that path and i did that.

As i am going near, mist is moving away, things are visible now. I can see clearly. Its a church here, decorated beautifully with candles and colorful bulbs. Outside the church, i can see, a person sitting with an aluminum bowl in front of him. He was a ........ .............'beggar'.
"no! it's not possible, impossible".
That long grey beard, blue-red eyes and long curly hairs. That thin blue blanket and that bowl half-full of coins.
I am now covered with a sudden unwanted fear........the fear of that 'something'. The scene takes me to a flashback to my past.

It was the same bloody winter. whiteness spread everywhere. One day early in the morning, i went for a walk to the church. I lightened the candle there and prayed for my Prosperity and for my well being. After the pray was over, i came out of the church and there a scene horrified me.
An old man was there with an aluminium begging bowl and a thin blue blanket, shivering badly with cold. i was stunned.
I don't know why i was feeling generous to him. "poor old man". "oh! may god not make me meet situations like this."! in such a dangerous cold and a age of about 70 years."may god help and bless him with happiness".
I put some coins in his bowl and stepped forward. After some meters, I again turned back, and looked him."oh! my god!". I was really getting sorrowful for him.
I wanted to go home, but i cannot. I wanted to help him anyhow. I had became so emotional that my eyes were filled with tears of sympathy.
"He is nothing to me, then for whom and why this sympathy is?" I stood still for some while, staring at him.

The next thing, i remember is that i went to him and kicked his bowl away from. Followed by a kick on his chest, Harshly.
He did nothing, said nothing, just looked at me, into my eyes. His eyes were flooded. His flooded eyes contained; an anger as well as a question ; innocence as well as solitude ; Loneliness as well as inlet ; eternity as well as fear ; freedom as well as slavery.
His eyes were blue and red. Again trying to knock the door of my sympathy.
I slapped him.
The flood into the eyes of him, burst out through his cheeks.just like a stream.
I slapped him again.
This time more harshly. We stood still for some time looking into each other eyes.
He said not a single word and just picked his bowl and went away.
I was still and looked him until he disappeared.

And now, I have seen three winters since then.
During this long interval of time, 'specially for me' , i don't talk to anybody, always thinking 'something'. I don't know anything about anybody except myself. I don't know where to go and from where i am coming? I don't know what i am doing? I always think 'something' silently.
And because of that silence, people say that i am mad. I am a disheartened person. I feel a heaviness in my heart, all the time, due to 'something'. I want to know what that 'something' really is. That is the unbearable load of his tears on my heart, or, That is the silence of him. That is the innocence of him, or, That is the madness of mine.
I am not mad. Actually, silence doesn't mean madness. I am a simple human having a bloody mind, always thinking, and trying to answer a single question,"Why i did such an harsh behavior with him?"
I am trying and will be trying to find a reason for that, but one thing i know perfectly, that what i did with him was--------REASONLESS.

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