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Rolls Royce of Toilets

Rolls Royce of Toilets


I’m in SF.
I woke up this morning and I had a lot of gas. So I moved my hungover ass to the toilet. Uncle Gene has these 4 thousand dollar toilets. These 6 gallon toilets are like the Rolls Royce's of toilets! They are “unclogable”.

Well this shit was epic. I had like three days worth of shits brewing. The first turd smelled so bad; it smelled like every drink I had the night before, mixed into one. The stench instantly made me nauseous. I’m not completely sure, but I may have passed out momentarily. When I came to my senses, the battle continued onward. This mythical battle between life and death lasted at least 15 minutes!

When I was finally done, out of breath, I peered down to see the destruction. It looked like multiple communities / civilizations, depending on one’s point of view. There were highways and skyscrapers! High Schools! And Mountains! Little turd people taking lifts up the mountains, snowboarding down the mountains!

My stomach still felt like there was unfinished business. So I just sat there.
Then I had what alcoholics call... a moment of clarity. And I learned a little about the meaning of life.

When I was no longer in deep thought, I peered down once again. This time, it looked like the Fall of Rome. I took a picture of it on my P-phone. And set the photo as Karen’s photo ID. So whenever Karen calls me from now on, I can see a piece of shit.

I used minimal toilet paper and thought to myself: Today can be considered complete.

(I flushed)
It looks like I may have clogged the toilet.
No. It’s not possible.
(I flush again)
Oh my. Maybe. I don’t want to risk another flush without a plunger in my hands.

I looked throughout the entire house. Look in all three bathrooms. No plunger.
Maybe they really do claim to be “unclogable”?

So I wait 8 hours until Uncle Gene comes home from work.

Sing K YEE: Hey what’s up Uncle Gene.
Uncle Gene: Hello.
Sing K YEE: Umm, Karen clogged your toilet.
Karen YELLS: NOOO!!! That was you!
(We stare at each other for a moment in silence)
Uncle Gene: Clogged my toilet? I don’t think so. They’re unclogable.

We proceed to the basement bathroom. He gives it a flush. A look of concern covers his face.

Uncle Gene: Ok. You did clog it. Don’t flush it again. I have to go to my neighbor’s and borrow a plunger.

So proud.

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4 Jan, 2010
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