As I sat at my desk, scrolling through Facebook during my lunchtime, I saw the site, “Waratah Park High School, and thought to myself, let’s have a look, what can it hurt to see some old faces and places. This was the secondary school that I attended for 4 and half years. The school had been long since demolished, which was sad, I thought, as it held many memories, both good and bad for me. I hadn’t thought about that place for many years. As I looked through many of the photos that had been posted on the page, I saw many of the old faces and names that I remembered, the uniform that we wore, the actual school grounds as they were and lingered to lament the many friends that had been lost in the transition from teenage carefree years to adulthood, feeling sad for the times that were now only a memory from long ago.
Suddenly, there he was, looking back at me, Simon, the man that was the boy of my high school crush. I stared at the picture of his matured, but still very good looking face, seeing sadness in his eyes, and wondered what kind of a life that he had endured to look so sad. I moved quickly to another photo, trying to forget him, but by now, seeing his face had brought back the memories that I had fought for so long to keep buried. After all, this man had told me in our last meeting, that he was going back to the girl he had been seeing on a casual basis, he had separated from her and was now thinking of proposing to her. That left me with a feeling of being used, being a wild oats fling. That left a massive pain in my heart, after all I had fantasised about being with him, what he would be like the feel of his skin against mine for longer than just a brief period. I had thought that we could have been good together; I certainly enjoyed the feeling that immediately followed our sessions of intense intimacy. The way that he made me feel was as if I was the only person in the world when we were together, as brief as the tryst was. I wasn’t looking for a commitment, but I didn’t deserve to be given that bombshell. I made a conscious decision to put him behind me, and go on with what would be my eventful life. After all it was just a High School girl’s teenage crush, and I had managed to get some time with him, I should be happy with that, and feel that I had fulfilled my fantasy. I had to move on.
But his picture haunted me, so I reversed the page to look at him again. I remembered the feel of his hand as he touched mine whilst we were dancing at a mutual friends party, he ran in different circles, much too “in” crowd for me. I was always on the periphery, never on the inside. I had my friends, more the social class that I obviously belonged to. His friends were the upper class of our year group, why would anyone like that even have a second look at someone outside of his social circle. I had many friends that had migrated to that circle; however, I never quite made it. Some of them spoke to me, but I knew that it was only to be friendly.
I left school mid way through year 11, although in hindsight I should have completed the whole thing, I would have easily finished, as I was getting high marks, however, other reasons prevailed and I left school. I started going out with my boyfriend, Jason; we had met in whilst I was in High School, through being invited to another friend’s party. He had already finished school and was working, he was funny and sweet, and at the time did some things that made me think that maybe this would go somewhere. Our relationship gained traction and we moved in together, and during our second year of living together, we sort of drifted apart. One day, out of the blue, I ran into Simon at the local shopping centre. We chatted generally about our lives and he asked for and I gave him my number, and thought nothing of it, because as I said he was well and truly out of my league.
Until that day, he just turned up out of the blue, I was at home from work feeling under the weather, or just having a slack day to myself. I ushered him into my apartment, I hurriedly went in to get changed into some reasonable clothes. I did not see nor hear him follow me, but there he was in the doorway staring at me, startled, I grabbed for my robe and he came toward me. Trembling I said “can I help you” he said “no, you have done more than enough”. He reached out and touched my bare shoulder, I melted, he pulled me in closer, so as I could feel the heat of his breath on my neck, his smell, I can remember to this day, was like heaven and just smelt so good, just like I had dreamed he would. Then, in what seemed like an eternity, he placed his warm, tender lips on my shoulder, lightly brushing my skin, my senses just exploded. I fell back onto the bed below me, this snapped me back into reality, oh my gosh was this really happening, the man of my dreams is here, wanting me, taking me, holding me with the strength of Adonis, yet the fragility of silk. I return his kisses, desperately wanting more, surrendering to the passion. He appeared like a massive presence above me, his body wanting mine. He wanted me and only me at that point in time. We made love that day, he brought me to a climax more than once, and he made me feel like I was the only person in the world. We spent many hours in bed that day, just holding and being held, not really even speaking, words seemed not to be needed, I knew when we would rise to another session, it seemed like his body was in tune with mine, like it knew before I did what I wanted. This man, this dream, this fulfilment of a longing. I did not ask why, I just drank in every minute. To this day, I cannot fathom why he came to me on that day, but it burned itself into my memories forever.
He got up, kissed my forehead and left as quickly as he arrived, telling me that he would contact me so we could go out sometime. It took me quite a while to leave the bed that day; I wanted to just enjoy the glow and feeling of fulfilment that he had given to me. I did not feel alone, I did not feel used, I felt like there was going to be a tomorrow.
He had called and organised to see me on the Friday night following, we would go to a Drive In movie, I don’t remember what we saw, we were not there to see a movie. We managed to find a few more minutes of pleasure in the car, moving into positions that would keep a contortionist busy. Then it happened, I asked how his week was, I should never have spoken, I should have just let things be. He told me that he had seen his ex girlfriend and that they were thinking about trying again, making things work this time. My loud alarm bells rang in my ears, my life deflated, my dreams shattered, and my silly school girl dreams blown out the window with 2 dumb words, “try again”. We finished the night and never saw each other again, I put my memories into the deepest, darkest place I could find, and forgot to the best of my ability.
Funny thing life, I went back to Jason, and I tried really hard to make a go of it, we got married, and at the birth of our first daughter, Jason and I chose the name Simone, it brought back so many memories, I knew that it was the name of the man that I so wanted to keep hidden, and lamented for what could have never been. I began to see that this was becoming an issue within my life, so I hid him away again, never to be awoken, so I thought. Jason and I had two more wonderful children, another daughter, and a son, but our relationship was never right, he got upset too easily, started getting violent, so I asked him to leave. Separation was not easy, things got very nasty, but I did my best. Then Peter came along, he made me feel safe again, even though not many people liked him, he made me feel safe. We were married and we have two boys. Life has been eventful, and yet excitement has been lacking for some time.
But here you are, staring back at me with your sad eyes; I just want to make it better for you. You were the love of my life, but I was not yours. Life goes on.
Days pass, become weeks, then months, life settles down again. Then it happens, Simon sends me a friend request on Facebook, my life turns upside-down. I struggle with the decision to accept the request, telling myself I can handle this, it means nothing, just a random, it is just to do with the High School group to which we belong. I feel sick to my stomach for hours, and decide that it would be better to decline the request. While clicking on the button to decline, I miss and hit accept, Freudian perhaps, subconscious longing, I don’t know?? It is done, messages immediately flood in, “how are you”, “give me your number so we can chat”, “what have you done with your life”. Overwhelming would be the understatement of the year... I am at work so it becomes a little hard to keep answering messages, so I do the unthinkable; I give him the number to my direct line at work. The phone rings, I panic, thoughts of don’t answer the phone, begin swelling in my head. I bite my lip and answer, “Good Afternoon, how may I assist you today”. It is him, with the sweet velvet voice, I so vividly remember, he says “Good Afternoon, you may direct me as to why it has taken so long to catch up with you again”............. I begin the downward spiral that has become my life over the past weeks.
All I crave is to hear his voice, chat via message and to actually touch his beautiful face, if only to heal his pain. He tells me of his life and I deliberately skim over mine. I listen for hours to him, but all I hear is pain. It appears that he actually did get engaged to that woman, but it was short lived and it did not last. He tells me that after the engagement was broken off, he went to my apartment, but I had moved away and was no longer there. He drives down the street where my parents lived, just in case he sees me, however they have moved as well.
He tells me that he is married and has two children, one of which has recently graduated high school. His father had recently died and he was helping his mother get through the hard times. He proffers that his wife of 20 odd years, recently told him that she no longer wished to be married, and is currently only at their home in name, until the other of his children finishes his last year of high school. They no longer share a bed and have separate rooms. I now realise why this man has sad eyes, he has been hurt very deeply by the ones that he loves and I feel the need to repair him even more. We chat, we message, and we talk as if no time has passed within our lives. He wants to meet me face to face, but I cannot commit, remembering that I am still married and have teenagers of my own. What do I do, where do I go, and how far will this take me? My life is now changing uncontrollably. Is this real, what I am hearing, this is surely fiction, and nothing could that wrong, but feel oh so right.
This man, this perfect man of my dreams, has been dealt a hand that would challenge anyone. He previously worked up to 120 hours a week over 3-4 different jobs to provide a lifestyle for his wife and family unsurpassed by many, but to his own detriment never had much time to do anything else but sleep between jobs. He tells me that his family began to get comfortable with the lifestyle, and expected to get more and more things unconditionally. He now wants to stop and smell the roses, but this may cause his children hardship. He sounds torn with his decisions. I just want to fix his anguish, repair his broken heart, and perhaps in the process, mend mine.
The phone rings at work, I check to see if it is my direct line, and smile at the thought of just one more conversation, just one more word from him. I check my instant messages regularly, and beam when I find a new one in front of me. I count the minutes until I know that he has finished work, so he will call or message me. I feel like I am floating around the office, continually smiling. I have no idea what people are thinking, but in the same vein, I don’t care.
I must be going insane, how did I go from happy enough in my life to wanting so much more, this will end in disaster, for whom, I am not sure yet, but on past experiences it will more than likely be me, as I could lose out on everything. I could lose my marriage, and still find that there has been too much water under the bridge between us. He could be just trying to find a friend, from long ago. The teenage schoolgirl in me, wonders if this is a cruel hoax between mates, like a wager on who gets to take someone from their school days to bed first. Am I being too harsh, probably, no-one could possibly appear to be so genuine, and not be so? Could they? This is really doing my head in; I have no idea what to do next. He prods and asks if and when I can get time off as he would like to see me, if only to sit and chat, but hinting ever so naughtily at more.
Peter is away on another business trip, so I do it, I manage to get some time off work and invite him over. He arrives, and in person he is still the same, warm, inviting man and above all he is here with me. I reach up and touch then kiss his face, it is older but has all of the same features and those eyes are still wonderful deep pools of molten chocolate, I could just stare into forever. We speak but, I cannot hear nor comprehend the words, as I am consumed by his being. He leads me to the bed, and begins his methodical, but ever so gentle touch, until I have stripped away all of my clothes. He caresses my breasts and nibbles at my nipples, that is enough to send me to a place where I can no longer return from, it is done, and I must surrender. He sends waves through my body, again and again, bringing me to climax more than once. I reciprocate the attention between waves of ecstasy, and do my best to give him as much attention as I can. We lay together after the intimacy, and I kiss his neck, he tries his best to rest, his heartbeat racing. I can see his mind ticking over as if it never has time to slow down, I ask what he is thinking and he says that his mind is always working on more than one thing at a time, I ask him to slow down if only for now and enjoy this time. I feel the perspiration beading on his forehead and neck, and kiss it away. He still tastes so good, and I ask myself why I have lost myself in this man, he should mean nothing to me after all of these years. Even so, I still crave his touch and his attention.
After some time, just lying together, whilst I watched him as he rested, he moved to start again, he began to touch me, caress me, feel me, engulf me with his being, I find that I enjoy the way that he takes charge of the lovemaking and directs the manoeuvres. Again my energy is taken from high to high on waves of pleasure. Once more I climax with a barrage of attention and begin to feel like I would explode again should the next touch to my body be even slightly tender or gentle. We find another climax together, and then I again retreat to the warmth of the arms I so long to hold and be held by.
We talk, then he gets up abruptly and tells me that he must leave, I ask is everything ok? He assures me that everything is alright, but I feel that it is not. I do not hear from him for the rest of the day, he messages me and tells me that he has been on the phone with his work and that he would contact me later on. Later comes and goes, and I receive a message on facebook telling me that he would call me at work tomorrow, and that I should get a good night’s sleep. Did he have an attack of remorse or did I do something wrong, was my scarred body too much for him to enjoy. Was it me, or was it him.]
I do not receive the awaited call at work; he leaves a message to say that he is in meetings all day and will contact me later. Do I believe this; I have no reason not to, however something still feels wrong. Was this really a wager or dare for him to do it, as I have long suspected. I do not regret the day, as it made me feel alive again. I do not want him to feel bad for anything. I do want to know why this has happened, why he feels that he cannot speak to me. I do not want anything from him except to know if he is alright. Should I just hide him away again within my heart, this time not to be recalled? I am in a purgatory of my own making, just let it go, I tell myself, there must be a reason that he wishes not to contact me, and that must be his reason alone.
Days pass, my feeling of inadequacy wains marginally and I go back to my life, my mundane, boring life. This time it is harder to hide him away, as he has left a hole within my being. All of the encouragement, the beautiful words, the motto that he continually recited, “what the minds can believe and conceive, the mind can achieve”. Everything that he said to me in those wonderful weeks whilst we were messaging and chatting, just seem to be out of character for what has actually happened. Does he think of me, I wonder, is he ok, has something happened for him not to be able to call. My head spins from all of the possibilities. I must resign myself to the idea that it was just something that should not have happened, and just go on, using the experience to my advantage. I now know that I will never let anyone else in that close again. I will probably never move from where my life is at this point, lost, alone, forgotten, used, inadequate, scarred, unhappy, broken....
Were all of the details given to me in the past weeks just setting a scene, putting in place a web of lies to spin a story to drag me in? I certainly hope not, as if it is true, my faith in human nature will be severely shaken, probably never to be repaired. I cannot understand my feelings as they are much more extreme than the last time, no-one has ever made me feel so broken, not even Jason when he threatened my life during our break up. I cannot express the mistrust that I am feeling, nor the sheer terror of not feeling the way that he made me feel, ever again. I sit here in the dark, feeling sorry for myself, but yet I still wonder after his wellbeing. Am I really being so maudlin, yes, because that is the way that I feel right now. How would I react if he called, I am unsure, not knowing the reasoning behind the total cessation of all contact..
Why? I just want to know why. Was it because of my scars, my body, my weight, did I do something wrong, was I not attentive enough, I am certainly not an 18 year old anymore. Inadequacies rear their head, my personal self doubts and demons force themselves to the front of my mind and I stupidly find tears rolling down my cheeks. Am I crying for him or is it because I cannot move past the reasons why? Perhaps I should have not answered the messages, yet I do not regret having done so or having this time. Life is too short for regrets, and being a normal person, I have many, but not this one. What I do regret about this encounter is that I cannot encourage and grow it into perhaps something more than a friendship. Any friendship or budding relationship has obviously reached an inevitable finale and any hope has how been taken out of my hands abruptly and without warning or reason.
Another day passes, I go out shopping, and pick up the rest of the lingerie that I had ordered to wear for him. Not that I will really ever use it again, but it will be nice to have just to make myself feel better. I pick up a bottle of wine and invite Simone over to help me drink it. Unfortunately, she cannot come over, as she is taking her children to the movies. She gives me encouragement and tells me that he will call, just to give him time. I tell her that I feel used and very stupid, she tells me that it will get better, and easier with time. I finish the bottle on my own, something that I would have never done before now, drink alone. I now resign myself to the thoughts that I will really never feel like that again, and that I must go on with what I do have and make the most of it. I look for positive quotes that should help me, but all I see is the words that he gave me during our conversations, self confident, encouraging, personally empowering messages. My days seem to be running into one another, I still feel lost and alone. My husband is still interstate and only Simone knows of my pain. I wake from another restless night of broken sleep, and pour myself into the shower. I stand under the warm, soothing water, and see my life for what it is. I am married with children, and unless I am willing to do something about that, my life will never change. I can chase as many dreams as I want, however the reality is far less exciting. The truth of the matter is that I will never be able to hide Simon away in my heart again, so I should just leave him there and remember the moments that now haunt me in a positive way. I do not regret accepting the friend request, even though I toyed with the idea of not accepting at all. I could never regret the way he made me smile at just the thought of a phone call or message. I will never forget the things that we talked about in those phone calls and messages. What actually hurts is the way that I have stupidly taken this to my heart, it is what it is and I must accept it. People come into our lives to teach us things, perhaps his lesson to me was just to wake me up from a downward spiral into mediocrity. I am and will be better for having him in my life again. Simon, I thank you for being the person that you have become after all of these years. I will cherish each and every word, sentence, paragraph, feeling, tingle, climax and above all kiss that we shared this time in our journey. One day, if you are up for it, visit again and see how you have impacted on my life. I can only hope that it will be to your liking.
Author Notes: Just a fictional story, that has been close to my heart