Shivering

Shivering. She sat there alone, on the freezing, chilly ice. Staring into the pitch-black abyss of darkness and fear, as tears froze on her soft rosy cheeks. Her face was pale, it looked as though she had seen her own corpse. That girl, she didn’t glow the way she used to. You could see the despair that filled her eyes, the sorrow that ran through her veins. She was in all black since colors didn’t please this girl anymore, nothing did, not even the people who she loved the most. All the colors in her world were being sucked out and she knew it, she could feel it. She had friends, they were the demons running around in her head.

The only thing she could hear was her slow, heavy panting and the pitter patter of the rain. Lost in a place where no one else existed other than her, thinking was all she could do. She was alone with her penetrating thoughts, that would forever haunt her. That girl would rather die than live with the thoughts that plague her mind.

She could feel his tears rolling gently down her spine, each drop having its own story to tell. He wailed for attention, any kind of attention. His anger was so strong, so powerful, anyone could hear the way he bawled, the way his voice started to crack up out of pain. His slow sighs of disappointment were a strong gust of wind, able to blow away even the sturdiest of trees. His sudden screams could pierce through her soul.

She was so cold constantly trembling as her blood froze up in her body and she could feel her heart steadily forming into a cold block of ice. That girl’s heart was already in cracks and as it froze up she could hear it cracking till it finally shattered. She felt every single sharp sliver of it stab her gradually, cutting away anything that was left inside of her. It was finally time for it to shatter but how did it not happen sooner? Her heart was stepped on many times before but this time it was clearly something different. It was an unlike type of agony, one that she couldn’t ignore, it was as though it was embedded into her soul. One that wouldn’t leave until her soul had left her body.

There was so much air to breathe, but she was still suffocating. She was on land, but her tears were drowning her. The ground was steady, but her thoughts were an earthquake. She felt so empty, so alone, so worthless like she was nothing. She failed to see that she was her own problem. She wouldn’t let herself change the way that she wanted to change, instead, she thought, I am not good enough; I never will be. She was fading away into the void. She was becoming one with her own fear, her own melancholy as her soul ripped itself apart.

A survivor of her own thunderstorm, she saw pain, she felt it, she tasted it, she smelt it then she became it. She was the thunderstorm. A thunderstorm that demolished itself completely. Her thoughts were so deep, so powerful yet no one would ever hear them. It was the heartbreak that made her this way but what if it was agony now and hell later?

You would never know what it was like to be here until you have a hatred for yourself like no other, she had a burning abhorrence for herself that would go beyond anyone’s imagination. It was as though she was partly dead, she was alive but not entirely.

She feels so many emotions that she started to feel nothing. She was empty. I swear to god she never felt so empty before. She felt lost, confused, she felt so many things at that very moment it was hard to count. She didn’t know what she was feeling, she was just feeling it. She was so damaged, broken you could see it in her icy eyes that were full of anguish and silence.

There was frost all around her, from her hair to her toes. She wanted to move. As she got up, steadily, she could feel that her joints were frozen, they were stiff and firm. It was excruciating like everything else in her life, even though it was arduous, she felt like she had to do something to feel alive. She swiftly moved around the pitch-black world around her, just wondering. Wondering how penetrating a feeling could be. How can one thought, one feeling she felt in one-second take over her entire life?

She heard someone. Their voice was vibrating her entire world it was like someone grabbed her world in two hands and started shaking it. Their words echoed: “are you okay?” they asked. Repeatedly that is all she heard constantly those words rang in her head like a church bell. She tried running, running away but they were everywhere. There was no escape. She ran for miles with her tears blurring her vision. She couldn’t see where she was going she was just sprinting into the chasm in front of her.

Her bare stiff feet forcefully stomped on the ground each time she took a step. She didn’t realize how fragile the ice was until she looked back. The ice was cracking behind her following her every step, her every move, her every breath. Even her quivering made the ice crack. Fear, so much fear was filling her mind at that very moment. There was adrenalin rushing through her veins as she tried to stay still like a statue. She broke. She knew what was coming, she stared to the ground as pain bled into her eyes, seeing the ice shatter into sharp fragments under her feet. Her feet went down under the water, her legs, her chest, her arms, and her head.

A cold so pungent she saw her life flash in front of her eyes: she only saw the times where people broke her heart into a million pieces, where she was crying fountains of tears, all the times where she was alone. She kept telling herself “I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m fine, it’s all going to be fine” even though she knew it wasn’t true. Her hair, dark as night, flowing through the ice-cold water. In a sudden moment, the most penetrating moment of her entire life, she felt peaceful. It was quite strange, she felt so much in that one moment that she started to feel nothing. It was a feeling of total emptiness at that moment. Her beautiful eyes told her entire story as they steadily closed, one last tear so powerful it could drown you.

“Hey, hey are you okay??” a squeaky voice ringed in her ears. Her head felt like it was being hit by a hammer, constantly. She raised her head, one single tear running down her cheek, representing every single time her heart was broken. She stood tall, with that same tear running down her cheek, that girl pulled the most heartbreaking smile and said “I’m fine” she walked away: the pain of the broken little girl inside of her head underneath her at all times, the weight of all her agony always pulling her down, her tears drowning her but she still walked away with a flawless step, with a stern face of concentration. Her pain in a way was beautiful from the graceful way she dealt with anger to the elegant dance of the tears running down her cheeks. She was beautiful. She was the strongest person I knew until she finally gave up.

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