She struggles to pull herself up as tears fall down from her blue eyes. She feels as if she’s nothing in this world. She stumbles down the hall of the corridor to her bed room and closes the door slowly. She sits down upon her bed crying softly, looking out the dirty window. She smiles as she sits there thinking of that happy world she once had, before her mother died beside her and her father became a drunk. The memories were old, about nine years old but they still remained inside her head like they were brand new. The rain falls gently outside of her window as if the world was crying with her. She looks up at the cloudy dark sky looking for a star that would shine her a smile from her dead mother.
She places her 16 year old hands on the cold window as that one and only star shines through the thick clouds. She knew that somewhere up there is her mom and apart of her old father looking down at her. She reaches for the little doll that always stayed upon her bed and holds it close to her heart. She reminded herself that she’s grown now, that happy innocent world slipped out of her hands years ago. She looks at the world differently now with new blue eyes. When she was younger her heart wasn’t broken, she had beautiful dreams and the only fears she had was the unrealistic monster in her closet. Nothing was around to worry her and make her smile fade. She was dragged to the real world hopeless and scared of what it holds. She was forced into this dark and harmful world too early.
The rain shattered upon the earth’s surface harder now as she smiled looking out the window; storms calm her. Storms make her as if she wasn’t the only one misunderstood. People take one look at a storm and see nothing but the rain and its thunder. People don’t see it as an emotion like Jessica does.Jessica understands the rain, she knows that the rains are tears of the sad world and its screams to be heard and noticed are the lighting and thunder. No one understands that emotion but people like her.
She opens the window and slips out of her room quietly with the doll inside her hands. For a moment she remained there feeling the tears of the world mix in with hers. She looked up at the sky with the same small smile upon her face gazing at the star. Slowly she walks her way down the road of the neighborhood. No one was outside but her and a few animals that enjoyed the rain. She began to run out into the woods where she always seems to find herself during times like this. The woods were darkened with thick fog that hovered a little bit over the wet ground. As a kid this is where her and her little friends would to play games and pretend, but after a few years their imagination faded along with their friendship with Jessica; she was basically forced to be alone not long after her mother died of illness.
The last time she was here with them she was about 11 and her mother just died. At that age it was hard to understand what death really was, but now that she’s older she understands the meaning of death. The adults told her it was a peaceful way to leave your love ones. You go to bed one night and God just keeps you from waking up. Now that she’s older she understood that it was all a lie. It wasn’t a dream that took her away and that wasn’t where she is now. The dream is really Heaven and what killed her was her illness. They told her it was faith, death just reached her and there was nothing we could have done to help her. She remembered her dad holding her gently for the last time. He was crying out her name as the ambulance rushed their way into our home to her. She ran and didn’t stop until she reached the patch of the woods, where her three best friends found her there crying out for her mother to wake up from that dream, to fight God. It was useless, but Jessica didn’t see that until she turned 15.
She sat there just thinking to herself how easy it was to be happy when she was a kid. How the world seemed to be so happy and beautiful. How life didn’t have much to worry about when she was a kid. But as she aged she grew with responsibility and worries. Like normal teens she missed the innocent and reckless days of her young life. Now that she had grown, she searched for herself, hoping she turns into the women her mother used to be.
But it was pointless. How can you turn yourself into the person you had loved, if your life had been a curse... not a blessing? As she put her cold hands against the window, and with tears leaking out of her eyes, she realised that she could not gain eternal happiness through becoming her Mother. That night, her sadness felt like a knife had stabbed her multiple times in her heart and it was completely true, for in the kitchen as a smile spread accross her face, like the blood that spread across her body from the blade of a knife.