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So CHEWY

So CHEWY

By SingKYEE

Thursday June 25, 2009
Farrah Fawcett died earlier today from a long battle with colon cancer. Ed McMahon died a couple of days earlier.

I head into Brigham Circle Walgreens for a 4-10 shift.

When I got to work, the bench was a mess. My role is the reliever who comes into the game, when the team is up one, but there are two men on base, and I have to preserve the lead.

Since school ended in May, I’ve been working 40 hour weeks and have improved immensely. I enjoy the work and the experience is great. I’m going into my sixth year and have less than a year until I graduate. Today, I feel as if I locked down and studied for the Naplex for a few weeks, I would be ready to be a good pharmacist.

A couple of hours into the shift, everything is under the control and we are caught up. Then Maureen, the pharmacist, begins getting phone call after phone call from friends. Her friends are informing her that Michael Jackson has suddenly and shockingly died of cardiac arrest at age 50.

Tomorrow is the Rascal Flatts concert. It’s the second concert of the 4 concert package. I know my boy Kelso is in town. I send him and the Dark Knight a text to see if they want to go out to the Squealing Pig at 10. It’s Thursday night, so the old drunk Irish guy is going to be there playing old dirty drinking songs on his guitar.

The shift went smooth. I went home to change and showed up at the Pig at 10:20. the Dark Knight and I sat down at the bar, ordered 2 Golden Monkeys. Then these two random guys start up a conversation with us about how much they love Golden Monkey. Oh great... Golden Monkey attracts the wrong gender.

10 minutes later, Kelso, Juice Box, and Serge show up. We’re all drinking, having a good time listening to the old drunk Irish guy play his old dirty drinking songs on his guitar.

I order a round of drinks and the bartender asks me if I want to open a tab. I NEVER keep an open tab, but tonight I feel like it would just be more convenient if I kept it open.

On Kelso’s 21st birthday, I requested John Denver’s “Thank God, I’m a Country Boy.” Tonight, I told Kelso to return the favor. I wanted him to play one of the old drunk Irish guy’s parodies, but I didn’t know the name of the song. Kelso tried to request it as “John Denver’s Taxi song.” The old drunk Irish guy had no clue what we were requesting so he made fun of Kelso. After a couple of jokes and another song, he finally understood our request and play “Boston Cab” for us.

Somewhere in the night’s conversation, Irish carbombs is brought up. I immediately order a round of Irish carbombs. Five minutes later at 11, I get a call from Jean LUC who just got off work at Children’s Hospital. I tell him to get his ass to the Pig pronto, but it’s difficult for him to hear me because the old drunk Irish guy just zinged Michael Jackson. The zinger has the entire bar roaring in laughter.

I faintly hear Serge tell us that he has to wake up early tomorrow morning to give a presentation at work. So what do I do? I order a second round of Irish carbombs! The second we finish our carbombs, Jean LUC comes into the bar. I immediately get a third round of carbombs because Jean LUC missed out.

I’m about 4 months away from making a wig out of my hair and it couldn’t come any sooner. I’m getting sick of the long hair. But since I got it, might as well take advantage of it right? The women’s restroom was right next to us and the men’s restroom was on the other side of the crowded bar. So... I walk into the women’s restroom.
I think to myself, WOW, so this is what is looks like... it’s so nice! After my tinkle, I walk back to our seats. Everyone’s reaction is, oh no he didn’t. Jean LUC said I looked like the girl from “The Ring”, my hair was covering most of my face and he said I had a sinister smile.

Jean LUC opens up a two set. I don’t know what they were talking about, but the body language was positive. Eventually, the whole group starts talking to his target. She’s from Maine and so is Kelso. Then she proceeds to make fun of Kelso’s high school. Kelso gets upset, stops talking to her, and drinks his beer.
At some point at the Pig, I text Carly, “Can I get a ride with you tomorrow for the concert?”

At this point, I’m drunk off the Golden Monkey, a few Black and Blues, and too many carbombs. It’s a little past midnight when the old drunk Irish guy stops singing his songs. Kelso and Juicy decide to call it a night to find a late night meal.

The rest of us close out our tabs and plan to go to the Mission. In a matter of 90 minutes, I ordered 100$ worth of Irish carbombs! Fuck! annnnd that is why I don’t keep my tab open.

We find our way to the Mission and apparently there’s dancing at the Mission on Thursdays. Did anybody else know this? Because I didn’t know this until the next day and I was at the Mission on this Thursday night!

The carbombs have hit me, I’m not slurring, but I’m also not talking at appropriate volume either. My volume is equivalent to a heckler at a Yankees-Sox game.

Jean LUC: I’m ordering some drinks, what do you want?
Sing K YEE: I WANT DISARONNO! CROWN! GINGERALE! AND A GAY CHERRY ON TOP!!!
Jean LUC: Okay.
Sing K YEE: I SAID, I WANT DISARONNO... CROWN... GINGERALE... AND A GAY CHERRY ON TOP!!!
Jean LUC: Okay, I heard you.

There was a black girl with glasses standing next to us at the bar. She thought I was hilarious. Jean LUC started talking to her. The Dark Knight and I eventually had to piss again because of the blocking of the anti-diuretic hormone thing or whatever it is. He goes to the men’s room. I go to the ladies’ pissah. After the tinkle, we walk passed Jean LUC who is in conversation with this black girl. He took this as a sign that we didn’t want to mingle with her. It wasn’t a sign, it was just that we were drunk and forgot where we were standing at the bar. Turns out this girl’s name is Mutumbo. She goes to Mass Art and came to the bar by herself! Jean LUC referred to her as a slayer.

Next thing I know, I’m having an in-depth conversation with Mutumbo by the loud speakers. Remember, it’s dance night at the Mission. I don’t remember what we were talking about, nevertheless even talking to her. She gives me this smile, and we’re sucking face.

Next thing I know, we’re sucking face outside of the bar. I look at my phone and I have a text from Carly. “You are NOT getting a ride unless you come to Flann’s right now.”

Mutumbo asks me: Do you want to go home with me in JP?
I give her the classic signature Mutumbo finger wag.
Sing K YEE: Nope.

And off I ran to Flann’s.

I get there and the bouncer won’t let me, because it is past 1 in the am. Eventually everyone comes out of Flann’s. AND I MEAN EVERYONE. Bruno, Cheung, Leon, Lexy, Carly, Fiber Chew, and others.

And off we are back to the Mission.

We get there and the bouncer won’t let us in because they are at maximum capacity. Fiber Chew knows the bouncer and gets in.

Who is Fiber Chew?
It’s Carly’s older sister who’s a pharmacist. She’s a blonde bisexual hottie. Or that’s the rumor.

And why is that her name?
At concert #1, the Devil was passed out from drinking too much and Carly’s sister took care of her the whole night. After the concert, we went back to the Devil’s house. While the rest of us skinny dipped, these two were in the house. There was a bottle of Fiber Chew on the table. The sister took a tablet and stuck it up the Devil’s butt and said, “Here’s some fiber, get your shit together.”

**Flashback over, back to the Mission**

So Fiber Chew gets into the bar. But somehow I’m stuck outside. I’m trying to get back in, but the bouncer is boxing me out and won\'t let me in. After 5 minutes of this basketball drill, he realizes I was here earlier so he lets me in.

Jean LUC is spitting game to this beautiful woman at the bar. They’re having good conversation. Then she stands up from the stool and she’s 6 feet tall! Jean LUC is 5’4’’. Conversation over.

Jean LUC comes over to me and we begin to talk about foreign policy and what stategies the US can use for the bailout. Fiber Chew comes over and throws her arms around Jean LUC and gives him a big hug. They’ve never met before. All Jean LUC can see is someone with long blonde hair, white baseball hat, white tee, and bag jeans giving him a hug.

Jean LUC: SHAUN WHITE!!! You were amazing in the X-games!
She steps back and then he realizes Fiber Chew is a female.
Jean LUC: SHAUNA WHITE!!!

Fiber Chew hands me a drink. It’s an espresso martini and I help her finish it. Then we start dancing. Remember?? It’s Thursday and there’s dancing every Thursday at the Mission. I still won’t realize there’s dancing at the Mission until the next day.

One drink leads to another, one thing leads to another, and we are all over each other. One thing leads to another, and we are outside smoking squares and cloves. Somehow last call comes around and I’m walking Fiber Chew and her two friends home. We get to the friend’s house on Hillside. **Kiss**

Next thing I know, it’s 8:30 in the am!
My contacts are still in. Teeth all furry. Hungover. I’m on my couch. Still drunk. The trash barrel is next to me, upside down! I’m nauseous but didn’t puke that night. Getting a call from Spectator.

Spectator: Hey, what time are we leaving for the concert?
Sing K YEE: 12!
Spectator: Can I go to the gym?
Sing K YEE: Huh?? Yes, you have my permission.
**Click**
I hang up the phone and stumble back to the couch to sleep.

9:30 am.
I get another call.

Jean LUC: Hey, I slept over at the Dark Knight’s. And now I’m lost on Columbus Ave. How do I get back to Tremont?
Sing K YEE: You’re on Columbus Ave?? Oh SHIT! You’re in the hood! RUN!!!

Sing K YEE licks his lips.
Sing K YEE: Did I smoke cloves last night??

10:30 am.
Stankanger calls me.
Stankanger: Wake up. Get ready for the concert.
Sing K YEE: I’m going with the girls.
**Click**

The plan was to leave at 1 pm the latest. I didn’t get ready until 2 pm. The girls didn’t pick us up until 2:45 pm.

Postscript.
I checked my phone. I made a million drunk phone calls. Texted Carly when I was trying to text her sister.

Jean LUC, the Dark Knight, and Serge went back to Serge’s and drank Jaeger straight at 3 in the am.

I get a text the next day from Serge’s girlfriend.
“Serge stopped by today already late for work to get his stuff, he stumbles in still drunk, wishes Kisa (the dog) a happy valentine’s day, giggles about nipples, and when I asked him what happened?
He responsed with... Sing K YEE.”


I lost my credit card. Two days later, I go back to the Squealing Pig where I ordered 100$ worth of Irish carbombs. They said they didn’t have it.

I half-heartedly go to the Mission, because I don’t remember buying any drinks there. I stand at the bar and wait. A few minutes later, the bartender turns around with a shit grin on his face and hands me my credit card.
Sing K YEE (confused): WHAT??? How did you know? I didn’t even say a word to you!?!
Bartender: How could I forget you.

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About The Author
SingKYEE
SingKYEE
About This Story
Audience:
15+
Posted:
4 Jan, 2010
Genre:
Comedy
Type:
Funny
Words:
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Views:
4,506

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