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Sometimes It Makes Me Laugh
Sometimes It Makes Me Laugh

Sometimes It Makes Me Laugh

NobodyImportantNobodyImportant

It makes me laugh a little at myself,
It makes me shake my head.
I think of the day that we first met,
And wish I’d stayed in bed.

It only hurts a little now,
The way you wasted my time.
You wanted to see what love felt like,
So you decided you wanted mine.

I can’t really be angry though;
Can’t exactly whine.
If I wasn’t so desperate and broken then,
Maybe my heart would’ve stayed mine.

I think I hate you a little for it,
But I can’t help but offer admiration.
You played your part so perfectly
As though born with the inclination.
You acted hurt when you hurt me,
Pretended love without reservation.
You had me convinced that you couldn’t stay away,
Couldn’t resist the temptation.

You played my ego oh so well,
I was blinded by the confidence you gave.
You watched, delighted, as I fell,
Believing in the love you gave.

I look back now without a filter,
Without my naivety smoothing what you said.
Everything about you seems off-kilter,
The images tilting in my head.
I see again the smug smile on your face,
When I hung on every word you said.

You had me wrapped around your finger and you loved that shit.
I hope you felt bad, at least a little bit.
I shouldn’t feel impressed, but I do.
It was to the point I promised: I’d do anything for you.

Maybe part of it was that you thought I was playing you in turn,
But I was only ever honest through it all.
I always am, though you’d think at some point I’d learn
Love isn’t something you just give away;
Trust is something that you need to earn.

See, I laugh because I feel stupid,
And I think self-deprecation is key.
You have to be able to laugh at your failures,
It’s basically a necessity.
I don’t think you liked it as a quality of mine,
Because it made it more difficult to hurt me.
It meant you had to work harder,
To get that reaction that you need.

Sometimes I stop and wonder, why me?
Why me and not some other poor sap?
Surely it would have been just as easy,
For you to find another pathetic tree to tap.

Maybe you slipped up and got attached,
Like a child with their favorite toy.
Like that childish phase you can't move past,
Or an old journal you can’t destroy.
I’m still not actually mad at that;
Your lies resulted in temporary joy.

If I’m being honest, the only reason I’m miffed,
Is because you stopped trying your best.
So confident in this charade you were keeping up,
You started lying less.
Never a good idea when your relationship is based on half-truths,
It turned into a mess.

Then you had to backtrack, and pull out every stop.
But at that point you were trying too hard,
And your perfect mask began to drop.
It’s amusing how much effort you put in,
It was a little over the top.

I believe you when you say,
You’ve put more into “us” than I.
For every sentence of truth I spoke,
You’d spit out three that were a lie.
Like the time you said you loved me,
Or when you said I was “your person.”
But don’t worry, now you're free.
So go find another person.

The worst part is that I still want you,
Even knowing that you played me harder than I think was necessary.
You manipulated me into loving you
And it seemed a little arbitrary.
I can’t help but laugh at the sheer audacity you seem to possess.
You may lack many things, friend,
But not self-confidence.

I sigh as I blink away the image of your face.
It drifts behind my eyelids,
Holding me in place.
It reminds me of sleepless nights and cloudy days,
Of memories I can’t erase.

It didn’t mean a thing to you:

That you held my sanity in your hands like
Something fragile you could break.
I used to think I freely gave my heart,
Because I didn’t think it was something you could take.
You sure as shit proved me wrong there,
Proved that love was something you could make.

Sometimes at night it makes me laugh.
Because if all this scheming and plotting is what you think you need,
You have more problems than me by half.
I have no idea how you fix that shit,
What road you take, what path.

I wish I could watch you flow between my fingers like smoke,
Because now I know that the “love” we had
Was just a fucking joke.
I still hurt when I remember how you’d sigh my name.
But now I smile, a crooked, sad, and jaded thing,
Because really? I was always ever just a game.

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About The Author
NobodyImportant
NobodyImportant
About This Story
Audience
15+
Posted
1 Dec, 2020
Words
809
Read Time
4 mins
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