STAR WARS:FROM a HUMOROUS POINT of VIEW

R2-D2 and Chewbacca were on the Millennium Falcon, playing holochess. Chewbacca was in a rage, because he was losing.

“R2 made a fair move,” said Han, who was watching.

Chewbacca growled at him.

“I suggest a new strategy Chewbacca,” 3PO said. “Let the droid win.”

Chewbacca bellowed.

He seized 3PO.

“Oh no,” 3PO said.

Chewbacca pulled the droid’s head off and tossed it on the floor.

The Ewoks were preparing to feast off Han, Luke, Chewbacca and R2.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Han said, as the Ewoks began to light the fires.

“3PO, tell them if they don’t do as you ask, you’ll become angry and use your magic,” said Luke.

“What magic?” 3PO asked. “I’m not a magician.”

“Try it yourself kid,” Han said.

“Why me?” asked Luke.

“Because you’re the one who has absolute power,” Han replied. “Come on kid, show us something. Use the Force.”

Luke closed his eyes and all the Ewoks rose up into the air. Higher and higher they went, until they got caught in the top most tree branches.

Anakin and Obi-Wan were reaching the end of their lightsaber dual, near the lava fall on Mustafar.

Obi-Wan jumped onto the bank of the lava river.

“I have the higher ground.”

He sat down cross legged, lit a pipe and puffed away.

“Help me Obi-Wan. You’re my only hope.”

“What, me help you. I don’t think so.”

“Obi-Wani please.”

“No, I’m enjoying this too much.”

“Obi-Wan –“

“You don’t need my help. Use the Force, dumbass.”

“Oh yes, the Force. I forgot about the Force.”

Anakin jumped onto the bank, using the Force.

“Boy you are dumb today,” Obi-Wan said.

Using the Force again, Anakin lifted Obi-Wan off the ground and hurled him out over the lava fall.

Luke was beginning a Jedi training exercise on Dagobah.

He sat down cross legged, closed his eyes and faced his palms up.

As he did so, he used the Force to lift Yoda off the ground.

“Down put me Luke, down put me.”

Luke lowered Luke to the ground, then back up again. Five more times he did it, before dropping Yoda into a swamp.

He then ate three Mars Bars and drank a bottle of Cola.

“For a Jedi, it is time to eat and drink as well.”

Anakin was trying to overtake Sebulba in the pod race.

He hurled a red brick at his opponent’s head.

The impact caused the Dug to swerve slightly – allowing Anakin to take the lead.

Sebulba regained control of his pod, but it was too late.

Anakin threw a dog bone into the engine of his opponent’s pod.

Sebulba was thrown from his pod, which smashed to bits.

Luke and Vader were reaching the end of their lightsaber dual in cloud city.

Vader was being forced backwards to the end of the walkway, suspended over the long shaft.

“You are beaten Vader old man,” Luke said. “Don’t let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did.”

Vader swung his lightsaber at Luke, but missed, by a long way. His weapon flew from his grasp and fell into the abyss.

“If only the emperor could see you now old man,” said Luke. “He would not be impressed.”

Using the Force, Luke yanked Vader off his feet and dangled him upside down over the void.

“The emperor isn’t here to save you old man.”

Vader wriggled about like a maggot.

“Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father boy.”

“He told me you killed him in a cowboy gunfight.”

“No, I am your father.”

“Don’t make me laugh. You’re not my father old man.”

“I am your father boy, so get used to it.”

“My father was a navigator on a spice freighter.”

“That’s your uncle talking boy.”

“Right, you’ve asked for this old man.”

Luke let go of Vader, who fell into the void.

“NOOOOOOOO.”

Luke lit a pipe and started puffing away.

“Vader was my father.”

Luke was playing Monopoly with Owen and Beru at the dinner table.

“I think that R2 unit might have been nicked,” he said.

“Why do you say that lad?” asked Owen.

“He claims to be the property of an Obi-Way Kenobi.”

“Obi-Wan Kenobi?” Owen asked.

“Do you know him?” Luke asked.

“Of course I know him lad. He dumped you on Beru and I when you were still in your pram.”

“Couldn’t wait to get rid of you he said,” Beru said.

“Do you think that wretched droid belongs to Obi-Wan?” asked Owen.

“It’s no good you asking me that,” replied Luke.

“Well, who else am I going to ask lad. You’re the one who thinks that wretched droid might have been nicked.”

“Might I suggest –“

“Not now 3PO,” Owen said.

“No, let him speak,” said Beru.

“Fine.”

“Might I suggest that we take R2 and go find this Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

“No,” said Owen.

He pulled out a blaster and blasted 3PO to bits.

“Well, it looks like I’ll have to go and find –“ Luke began.

“You’re staying right here you wretched youth,” said Owen.

“Why don’t we send Obi-Wan a text?” Beru asked. “Invite him round.

“No way,” said Owen. “If that old fossil turns up, I’ll punch his lights out and tow him with a rope round his neck to the cleaners.”

Dooku, Jango Fett, Boba Fett, Nute Gunray and the Geonosian Poggle the Lesser, were watching the action taking place in the arena on Geonosis.

The attempt to assassinate Obi-Wan, Anakin and Padme, had failed completely.

Dooku was seated cross-legged on a high stool, dressed like an Arabian Vizier.

Suddenly, Mace Windu appeared.

“Master Windu,” said Dooku.

“My oh my,” Windu said with total sarcasm in his voice. “How far the Sith Lord has fallen.”

“I am no longer a Sith Lord, Master Windu. I’m no longer a Sith, no longer a Jedi, no longer a Count and I no longer use the Force.”

“Then what are you?”

“The first Vizier of the Separatists.”

“If you no longer use the Force, then you won’t be able to stop me from doing this.”

Using the Force, Windu lifted Dooku up off his perch and hurled him into a skip of green gunge on the arena floor.

Mace Windu and Jango Fett were engaged in battle, among all the fighting between the Jedi and the battle droids, in the arena on Geonosis.

Jango was losing fast, because Windu lifted him up in the air using the Force.

“Put me down, put me down.”

Windu used the Force to turn Jango round in circles, blasting droids as he went.

The bounty hunter tried to stop himself from firing at the droids, but it was no use.

Windu had complete control of his movements and his blaster too. He steered the bounty hunter round and round, all over the arena, until all the battle droids had been destroyed.

Finally, he directed the bounty hunter over to the skip of gunge, which he had hurled Dooku into and dropped him in it.

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