There are parts of our hearts we are drawn to hide.
The darkest parts. the guilt. the shame. the pain.
We, almost instincitvely, shove them down into ourselves so deep that we ourselves forget they are there until we are caught up in a sorrowful moment that exposes the darkest parts of our heart.
That moment will pass, and again, we will force ourselves to forget.
This is the most dangerous part of our souls. Our desire to mask, to hide, and to forget- and we are never successful at these things, not completely. These things are created out of shame. We believe no one can ever accept us for who we are, especially when we cannot even accept ourselves. We've lied, we've hurt people- how can anyone truly love even the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves we try to hide when we don't even love them?
Here's what I've learned about hiding these parts of ourselves.
When we push something into darkness, when we leave it in the depths of our souls, it inevitably becomes rotten. It will grow maggots and death and it will attract dark things. It will smell, it would seethe and seep the rotten stench of abandonment. The more we try to forget, the more we hide and push away, the more rotten those parts of our souls become. And we are never truly successful; we leak. We, instinctively, turn to coping mechanisms that distract us from these parts of ourselves- then, we blow up on those closest to us, pushing them away out of the common fear of rejection. A Bible plan I just explored read this: "the walls we use too protect our image are the same walls that imprison us with our pain." they can't know. They'll wouldn't love me if they knew. These are the toxic thoughts we feed ourselves as we sink further into the labrynth of loneliness, further into the cycle of self hatred. These rotten parts of ourselves will only manifest and become more rotten the more we try to forget them. More maggots, more stench, more leaking.
The first of two steps to personal healing is self awareness. Yeah, that typical annoying and repetitive "the first step to battling addiciton is admiting you have a problem" is the basis of all self awareness. But we need to remind ourselves we created these problems because we were just trying to survive. We were just trying to cope with the chaos of our world and we are all fucking miracles for surviving the heartache and pain that we have. So I get it. And it's okay that that's what helped you survive. But now we need to dig that up and heal it.
What's the one thing that can get rid of darkness? Light. We need to shed light on the darkest parts of ourselves, and in doing this, the maggots will have no more darkness to thrive in. We can rectify our souls and purify it of all the darkness we instinctively pushed upon it. This is healing. This is scary. This is vulnerability and going to places we always pushed away. But until we do this, we will always be prisoners of the darkest parts of ourselves.