Emotions are messy. Death is messy. It’s hard, Hard on the people who are left behind by the deceased. Some say, time runs it’s course healing the pain eventually. But it’s not true. It doesn’t hurt any less than what it did yesterday, Well in fact, time intensifies that ache ripping the heart out,
As time rolls on, the frequency of that unbearable numbing sensation slowly decreases but it’s intensity, more stronger than the last. It comes in waves. It makes you go motionless. Incapable of any sane action. You lose reasons and all you want to know is why? Why you? But there isn’t any answer to that. From where can you have answers to such questions?
So when today I woke up with a dull ache, I didn’t know what it was until late in the afternoon. It took every ounce of strength in my body to sit through my morning lectures. I could feel deep in me that I wasn’t well. That I was more sadder than usual. It made me cranky. I was annoyed and a touch away from lashing out at anyone who crossed my path. That’s the other thing about your loss to death. It makes you angry. So angry that your body refuses to be in control.
Yes. Yes, death does teaches you forgiveness and empathy but somewhere in you, anger makes a permanent home. And when it takes an upper hand, it turns you ugly. Such kind of anger has that funny effect of colouring your cheeks red and eyes go running.
Gossshhhhh! How it made me cry sitting admits others. My eyes blurred and nose moist. I check my clock wanting to run away to isolation. But on reading somewhere after half past two in the afternoon, I hurriedly get a grip over my damn feelings. It wasn’t four pm yet and i couldn’t escape. I don’t know for how long I silently kept praying for the hours to fly by. And this is the other thing about death and loss and grief, it doesn’t care about timings or places or people. When it hits, all it sees is you as a target. And when you are down on the ground, even the smallest of things triggers that ache.
It’s much later in the night and I still can’t find sleep anywhere near. Yes. Losing someone you love takes an especial form of toll on you at night when the world is asleep and you can hear the sound of your heart. I finally break down into tears and hug myself. I wasn’t afraid to be judged. I wasn’t alone. I had me. I could cry to my heart’s content. It was as sharp as it was on that early morning of October when I had lost her, my only parent. And then it hit me, it was that MONTH OF THE YEAR. All the events from the morning today made sense now. Why I was so annoyed and sad and angry? All of that now had a reason. I felt relieved. I wasn’t insane to have been feeling such gush of emotions throughout the day. I was being human. After all she was my mother, my only home.
Author Notes: You never know what anyone is going through. They could be walking right past you with a drop shining in their eye. Or sitting beside you with a huge lump in their throat. Or staring into oblivion with a hint of anger in their eye. And going through hell of their own.
So if you can’t ease their pain, if you can’t help them sort out that anger. Don’t accelerate the effects either.