That night in the ICU

I will give whole piece of me for It all to disappear like some fumes after a bad chemical reaction. But it doesn't go away and my mind has notoriously saved each tiny details from that night in the ICU to torture me ever since. Mumma was not recovering and there was nothing I could do about it so I stood beside her and watch her go as she cling to my fist over her heart.

It was October 18th, 17 when they wheeled my mother into the ICU. They told me that her lungs has gotten into stress and being a student of medicine I understood what it actually meant. So I kept mum , said nothing and watched them carry on their dance of ICU. And my mother, being the strong woman she always had been, told me how she wanted for everything to play out. Helpless I stood by her bed side as she took comfort in her lasts of nap. Minute by minute her lung was giving up and I watched it incapable of doing anything. She was my mother, I couldn't go to the literature in books but my mother had a feeling for it all to go south so she repeatedly insisted for us to take her home. I couldn't, no one could have. And the moment came and they put her on ventilator. She resisted so they drugged her and she never woke up from that last slumber. And just like that I lost her to some other unknown world in the early hour of October 19th, 17

Leaving me alone and helpless, she drifted to the other side and I couldn't do anything to make it stop. It's being 5 months since I held her hand last. Each night I hug her pillow and tears cradle me in their arms and I find no one around to hold me and tell me that I am going to be ok. I hug myself and cry until there are no tears left.

Life has become more lonely with every passing day. And each time I go to my hospital, I look around and see the empty faces just like I had when mumma was in one of these. The sound of monitors scare me and I worry about how am I going to be a physician one-day. I can't bear to be anywhere near ICU. They say the good things will come once the hurricane has passed and ever since I'm waiting for mine to settle. Each night gives me a nightmare of loosing her all over again.

I've lived through the death of my mother in reality and I'm tired because I can't take It anymore. I can't live through loosing her each night in my night dreams. Every root on my head aches and I watch my tears cover my face in cold. And just like before, I watch it helplessly doing nothing.

Author Notes: You don't know how much time one got so love your parents. Make them smile more. Hold their hand and look after them. One day it all can go away.

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