I'm having a fine enough time as I sit in my room, alone. Then I hear everyone laugh downstairs, and a thought springs into existence. They don't want you there, it's always more fun when you're gone.
I try to shrug it off and check my gmail for messages, only to find that not only is no one on, but some of them were on recently and failed to reply to my question left over from before. Evidence they don't want to talk to you. I move on to pinterest, hoping to numb my mind, even as I rationalize that they probably just didn't see it.
As I'm scrolling through pinterest, I find a cute pin about my favorite characters. You'll never be as happy or as loved as them. Tears well up in my eyes, and I start playing music, turning the volume up more than I normally would. The tears disappear, and I briefly wonder what happens to them. Are they absorbed back into my eyes?
I keep scrolling, saving a pin every here and there, when I get a message. My heart leaps, and I read the message and reply quickly, just a short confirmation, but still. My conversation partner sends an opinion that I don't have, a less than enthused response to what I had previously sent. I wilt a little and cave into habit, agreeing with him and moving on. He moves on as well, and I find myself not really agreeing with what he says. It's not anything important, but the lack of a firmly positive conversation weighs me down. The conversation dies out quickly, as usual, and my thoughts whisper to me again. Proof we should give up on him.
I ask him what he's been up to, and receive no response.
What did I say? He doesn't care. It's better if he's gone, we'll finally be able to move on. Listen to me.
I go back to pinterest, and finally he replies, and again, my heart leaps in joy. He says what he was doing at the time, I ask what he's doing now that half an hour has passed. He says he's talking to a different friend about a game.
He prefers them over you.
I start to argue back, "It's not like talking to other friends is against any rules or whatever. There aren't even really any rules to friendship, right?"
But if he cared about you, he would talk to you about it.
"But his other friend knows the subject better."
If he talked to you, you would know the subject, too.
"He can talk to his friend about whatever he wants, and besides, I probably wouldn't care very much."
But you could. If he cared about you, you would care about him.
"I do care about him."
I turn the volume up some more, because I can't find the answer anymore. Tears well up, and I can feel them about to slide down my face.
"This is stupid. There isn't anything to be sad about."
What are you doing?
"Everything is fine."
This isn't fine! Stop it!
"I have nothing to cry over."
Yes, you do!
"This is just how life is."
... But it shouldn't be like this.
The tears have dried up, and I go back to pinterest, the aching in my chest the only reminder of how I feel that I can't will away.
Author Notes: I've been having a bad time, and what better way to deal with it than writing about it and throwing it into the void we call the internet? Hope you enjoyed, and I hope you have a good day.