The Feeling of Failure

Had she ever loved Ray? No, she had not loved him and she did not know why. She did not know why she was fighting back tears. Was it the closing of this chapter of her life? Was it because he linked to her by the title husband?

Why now, was she bursting with past memories that seemed to have gone awry? Had she hurt him? Why was she feeling guilty? Guilty of what? Does his family expect her to show anguished emotions, an awareness of failure or some sense of regret? What had she done?

Jean had given the pastor a note about Ray, which said, "If he liked you, you knew it. If he didn't like you, you knew it." Was not that an honest trait in any human?

Even though they had separated for years, Jean's daughters put her on the front row with them. His friends and family were walking by and shaking hands. She left and went quickly to the car. She felt gratitude to her niece and her niece's husband for driving her in the funeral procession to the cemetery. She wanted to escape. Yet she had ties to this man in the coffin.

It was Christmastime. Many Christmases ago, Jean and Ray had separated. Ray told Jean about his girlfriend from his work. The marriage had been over for years, but Jean, for the children's sake, could have gone on forever. But on that day, Jean got angry and bitter. What Ray told her, she felt, was told to hurt her. After all, she would never have found out, unless someone told her and if anyone other than Ray, would she have believed them? But he told her; she had to believe it true. She was determined to bear the feeling of failure for a failed marriage. After all, she had a sense of responsibility.

Just before his fatal heart attack, Ray could not help but remember a Christmas many years ago. He had lost life with his wife and two daughters because of his stupid mistake. He considered himself fortunate that his youngest daughter had taken him into her home and cared for him. He had learned that Jean was coming to cook Christmas dinner. Did he deserve the kindness they were showing? He was feeling guilty for the lost years. He had even confessed to his daughter that he had always loved her mother. He went on to say the woman from work was only meeting for a few beers and nothing else. He told her mother about the woman at work to make her jealous. And maybe she would make him quit the job that he hated. After all, she had said, if he quit another job, she would leave him.

Do words and actions that we take in our personal lives determine our future? And is it difficult to bear the feeling of failure?

The End.

Author Notes: Unforgiveness, bitterness - those two rot the bones.

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