The girl I let get away.

It all started about 8 years ago, I was on an online meeting site, not like a dating site but it was more of an app which was designed as a way of keeping in touch with old friends, but you could also meet new people on it, which is what I used it for at the time.

I'd been a member for almost a year when I plucked up the courage to message a girl that id seen on there. I know this is probably hard to believe but she was absolutely gorgeous. Well I messaged her and to my surprise she actually responded to me, at first it was just talking but it seemed like the more I talked with her the more I liked her. She was shy, cute and just the sweetest thing ever, she instantly got all of my attention.

We talked and talked from early morning till late at night, I mean I was at school at this point so id have been around 15 years old.

15 years old and totally mesmerized by her, I didn’t know what love was at this stage, id never been ‘in love’ so I didn’t know what to expect.

But anyway we were just talking one day and she opened up to me about some really personal things, what I mean by that is the kind of thing you'd only tell someone who you could REALLY trust, I gave her my support and tried my best to help her In whatever way I could.

I didn’t really have many friends, at school I was the kid that was alone most of the time and I had my own issues I was dealing with, depression, self-harm, the thing is my parents never even knew how I was feeling so having someone who I could open up to and that I could trust was something that I needed and there she was. I opened up to her and laid all the cards on the table about how I felt and how my life was affected on a day to day basis.

To my surprise she was going through a similar thing but with her it was a lot worse.

By now Id aged a little and was probably 16 or 17, still not really many friends and no one I could really trust or count on, but I still had her and my was she a blessing.

This is where the story starts to take a turn…

I was feeling a little more ‘down’ this particular day, I was still talking to her as I normally would but somehow she knew that something wasn’t right with me, to this day I still don’t know how, but she knew.

This day was going to be my last.

I was so sure that I was going to end everything. It was late at night and I headed out to walk far away to a place where I couldn’t be seen by anyone, to avoid any chance of me being spotted by someone who may have known me.

I wrote out a final message to her, it said something along the lines of, ‘im going to go to bed now, remember that you’re an amazing, gorgeous sweet and caring girl don’t let anyone ever tell you any different okay? I love you and I'm sorry.’

Somehow she knew that this wasn’t a goodnight message and that something was wrong.

Well as I stood there thinking just about to jump my phone went, which was a shock at first as it was very late at night, I looked at it with no intentions of replying but she had sent me a long reply back explaining how much I meant to her and what id done for her without even realizing it, this shocked me and I collapsed into a pile on the floor, a broken man who wanted it to end so much… that is when I was found by an officer who took me into the station and sat with me all night talking about the issues I was having, I didn't really open up to him but I could see he wanted me to.

This amazing girl who means so much to me saved my life and she doesn't even know it. If it wasn’t for her on that cold and lonely night I wouldn't be here today and for that I owe her everything.

As time passed we grew closer and closer, we made a deal that any time either of us felt like we couldn’t go on anymore we would talk to each other, which really helped me and I believe it helped her too. It was a blessing knowing that I wasn't alone anymore.

Well as our story progressed we would always talk about how much we wanted to meet each other, yes that's right, we still hadn't met each other in person but yet I felt like I knew her and I can honestly say I loved that girl to pieces and I still do.

Anyway every time we would make plans to meet id be the one to back out, not because I didn’t want to meet her but because I was scared, I was scared that she wouldn’t like me at all when she met me and I wouldn’t be what she expected. I was scared and nervous to the point where id have mini panic attacks about it, again not because I didn’t want to finally meet her and hold her because believe me, all I wanted to do was hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.. but I destroyed every chance I had because I was scared.

So now in the story I must have been 18 or 19 and still not met her, but still talking every day, day and night. I accepted that I was never going to be able to be with her as I wanted to because the distance was a major thing.

Like an idiot I pushed her away, now I didn’t realize I was at the time but now looking back that’s what I did, I pushed her away, I got in other relationships, thinking it would help but they meant nothing, I thought they did at the time but no one could make me feel as happy and safe as she did. Each relationship didn’t work and never lasted more than a few months.

I've realized that I was trying to fill a special place in my heart that just couldn’t be filled by anyone else...

This all happened over a few years, me and her slowly drifting further and further away from each other, id try and talk to her to try and get things back to how they used to be, but it was just never the same. We would spend a few days talking and id slowly gain hope but then we’d start drifting again, no matter what I did This kept happening for a few years.

Now the story has caught up to only a week or two ago.

We are talking again and I'm more determined than ever to make it work out, but then I found out that she has been in a relationship for a few years and it has gone bad. So now she's all alone again but he won't leave her alone and has turned into what I can only describe as a stalker...

Luckily, she has a great group of friends around her who would do anything to protect her and for that I'm eternally grateful. But I wish I could do more, I should be the one there for her but I'm not...

Now we are in the present time and I'm back to feeling alone, like I have no one and I don’t know how to move on, she's always been the one who helped me through these situations whether she realizes it or not. I'm so lost...

So, 8 years have passed and I'm back to how I was when I first met her if not worse, alone, depressed, lost and I don’t know how to go on...

On the bright side I have a safe job. But I still don’t have money, I’ve turned to alcohol so I can sleep, without it I can't sleep at night. Even now as I write this I have a strong bottle of whiskey by me and its 6 AM.

I have an addiction to caffeine because I started drinking a lot of energy drinks to get me through the day because of the lack of sleep. Then I can't sleep because of everything else so I drink, And repeat.

I just don’t know what to do…

I love her…

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