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The Great Bacon War
The Great Bacon War

The Great Bacon War

1 Review

In the year 2056, just like in any overly dramatic sci-fi film, the Earth was beginning to die. This was not due to overpopulation, pollution, or even war. The atmosphere had been stolen! How this happened, is not important. Fortunately, a young man named Gordon Leed, discovered that by injecting Bacon grease into the bloodstream, you could achieve immortality. This discovery saved humanity, and gave birth to a new era of Bacon powered technology.

Humanity united under this incredible power. In a matter of years, hunger became non existent, war ceased, and crime simply stopped. Nobody knows what happened to vegans, but they became extinct. Humans spread to the stars, terraforming planets. Gordon became the emperor, but everyone decided that the emperor should be named Kevin Bacon, for obvious reasons. Every 200 years, the Emperor resigns, and the eldest child succeeds the throne (who is required by law to be named Kevin Bacon). 42800 years later, a man named Kevin Bacon CCXIV rises to power to combat the most terrible thing the universe has ever known.


44861 A.D.

Kevin Bacon CCXIV wore pink on the day he was given the power to destroy worlds. After all, it was tradition. Today, he would become Emperor, and even the most ignorant man would not ask of where, after all, there was only one empire. A single empire spanning dozens of galaxies. Of course, he wouldn’t only be wearing pink, that would be boring. He wore a very nice blend of pink, red, and white. Kevin’s position represented power, and there were no colors more powerful than these. Together they symbolized something grand. Something that made all this possible. Something, maybe even the only thing, that truly mattered:. Bacon.

Stepping out of the Imperial Palace, Kevin was greeted by the sight of exactly 20,000 citizens. 10,000 lining the street on both sides, continuing all the way to the shrine, where he would finally receive his title. Bacon people don’t take up as much space as normal people due to the power it grants. The walk to the shrine would be a short one. Bacon people can be very efficient with space when they need to, and the emperor must not be kept far from the one thing he swore himself to. Upon seeing their soon-to-be emperor, the crowd began to cheer. In 200 years, someone else would take his place, as had been done for thousands of years. Taking a breath, Kevin began to walk. And yes, it was very dramatic.


2 Years Later

Kevin woke up feeling rather annoyed. That is usually how people feel when waking up to screaming sirens. Then he remembered what they meant. He then felt something similar to what you might feel when seeing a fire breathing elephant burn down your hometown, then proceed to vow that it would destroy everything you’ve ever known or loved. Total shock. It just wasn’t possible. The general burst into the room.

“Lord Kevin! We’ve found another planet with intelligent life forms! We’ve taught them about Bacon, about its wonders, as was protocol! Just as we’ve done to every other planet we’ve found! Normally, this development would be beneath your notice, but Sir! They’ve rejected it!”

“This is not possible,” Kevin whispered. “We must act quickly, before this gets out of hand. Who else knows about this?”

Sweating, the General replied, “Everyone who heard the siren, my lord. I’m sure rumors are already beginning to circulate, even throughout the rest of the Federation. It will be very difficult to shelter the public from this news.”

The emperor, striding from the room called back, “Continue to monitor that planet! I will go announce this to the public. Oh, and tell Riggs that I want a death star built.”


The people of the planet in question, were feeling very confused. One moment, they were going about their daily lives, going to work, driving to work, sleeping while a teacher lectured them, etc. But then, all of the sudden, spaceships were descending from the sky, preaching to them about a cured meat they called bacon. But at this point, they had already made a terrible mistake. They did not capitalize the b. Whether they realized it or not, they had all thought of Bacon, as a lowercase. The aliens offered some to taste, not yet over the initial shock, they accepted.

“It’s all right,” came the first reply.

“Meh,” came the second.

Soon million of voices all over the planet were declaring it’s mediocrity. Flabbergasted, the strange ships immediately flew away at a speed they had not thought possible, leaving them confused, but completely unaware of what they had started.


Adrian Calhoun, formally known as “General”. Was still coming to terms with what was taking place. The situation was so absurd that he almost laughed. But that would be like laughing because you’d been kidnapped and forced to drink 1% milk. You’d be to terrified at the thought of drinking 1% milk to even remember that you’d been kidnapped, and even if you did, it’s still not funny. The emperor had given a speech to the people, formally declaring war on “The godless Bacon heretics.” Construction on the death star (Star Wars fans still exist in the future) had begun, and the scheduled completion date was three months away. This was the largest disaster the Bacon Federation had ever seen. Adrian still woke up in cold sweats, remembering those terrible words. “It’s alright.” Someone declaring that Bacon was just “all right” was the kind of thing told to scare children into going to bed. This was outlawed under the rule of Kevin Bacon LXVII, declaring it traumatising, and child abuse. Who knew what kind of things these people were capable of. If the grease injections had not immunized him to mental disorders, he would most certainly have PTSD.

There was a loud beep overhead as the intercom announced to him, “Lord Kevin Bacon CCIXV would like to speak with you. Please report to his office immediately.”

Forcing thoughts of his experiences with the Bacon heretics aside. He walked directly to the emperors office.

“Yes my lord?” Adrian asked.

“General, I have called you here today because we need some character development. So I’ve decided to send you to spy on the Bacon Heretics. Live among them, learn about them, blah blah blah.”

This took Adrian off guard. It was common knowledge that enough Bacon would allow the consumer to break the fourth wall, but it still took him a moment to process the meaning behind the emperors words.

All color bleeding from his face, Adrian asked, “Is this punishment for letting this catastrophe happen? Because I was in charge of this operation?”

“Of course not!” the emperor replied. “No one could have foreseen such an event. This story just needs a round character, and I have selected you. The official report will say that the Morality Laws made the legality of destroying an entire planet inhabited by intelligent life forms unclear. So we’ve sent you in to investigate.”

“Morality laws?”

“Most people haven't heard of them. It’s a very old law. Kevin Bacon IV signed them into law. I doubt he considered the possibility of a disaster on this large of a scale. As this is a matter of national safety, we’ve decided to ignore them.”

“That makes sense. Thank you.”

“You have 42 hours. Collect everything you may need, and say goodbye to your family. The appropriate clothing needed to blend in with the locals, has been provided. Hoid will debrief you on the behaviors we’ve observed, so you can begin learning to mimic them. I understand how traumatising you previous encounter with them must have been. The Federation thanks you.”


42 hours later, Adrian had boarded his shuttle and was on his way.

“On my way to where exactly?” he thought, “It’s almost like the author couldn’t think of a name for the planet, so he’s doing everything he can to avoid mentioning what the planet is actually called.”

“He got me. I hereby declare the planet to be named, ‘The Planet’” thought [Foxfox105].

The shuttle was scheduled to arrive at The Planet in three days, five hours, and 27 minutes. Adrian was terrified. In only three days he would face the most terrible thing the universe had ever created. And he was supposed to act act like them. But there was nothing more he could do to prepare. So he spent the next three days, five hours, and 27 minutes twiddling his thumbs, yawning, sleeping, pretending to be a walrus, and clipping his fingernails.


Upon arrival, not only did Adrian have very nice fingernails, and master the art of walrus imitation, he also looked exactly like a Bacon heretic. He had been dropped off in a city. There were tall buildings, and heretics everywhere. Powerlines extended to every building. These primitives were still using wires! There was also a distinct lack of Bacon. No Bacon shrines, no one eating it, and no statues. Absolutely mortifying. Fortunately, he had been supplied with enough Bacon to last him three months. Unfortunately, it collectively weighed 2000 pounds. He would have to spend a day hauling it all crate by crate to wherever he choose to stay, and he could not be seen eating it out in public, as it would give him away.

After 30 minutes of searching, he discovered to his pleasant surprise, that the Bacon heretics had hotels. There was a little bit of trouble counterfeiting some of their money, but eventually Adrian managed to get a room. Knowing there was no way he was going to move 2000 pounds of Bacon into a hotel room, he decided to only bring a few crates in each day, at the same rate that he ate it.

As the days went by, Adrian noticed something. The heretics where very… normal. Aside from the whole Bacon thing, they acted just like any normal person might. They laughed and cried, there were hard working heretics and lazy heretics. They might be heretics, but they were also people. After only two days, he had gotten over his fear of them. Their initial arrival had caused a bit of panic at first, but they were more confused than anything else. A spaceship had descended from the sky, fed them Bacon, then promptly left. It was a major topic of conversation. However, for the most part, their lives had returned to normal. By the time it was time to return and report to the emperor, he found that he was strangely sad.

“I’m going to miss these people,” he realized. “If only there had been time to actually write some interactions between us. Like the time a rescued a heretics child from a burning building, creating a very touching moment where I actually realized that I actually cared about these people. Or when I’d saved that man from a gunshot wound by feeding him Bacon after getting robbed. But that thing the man had said afterwards...” Unfortunately there hadn’t been time for that, and even if there had been, the author was still far too lazy. So you’ll have to settle for that lame bit of dialogue.

On the ride back, Adrian spent far less time imitating walruses, than he did realizing how wrong they’d been about these people. They weren’t monsters, they were just misunderstood.


Adrian arrived at the newly built death star. Emperor Kevin Bacon CCXIV was waiting for him in the control room. The death star was already pre-aimed, and simply waiting for a single red button to be pushed.

“Did your mission go well?” the emperor asked.

“Yes sir, I think it did,” Adrian replied.

“Then this is your decision. Simply give the command and there will not be a pebble larger than a pig’s eyeball remaining of that planet.

Adrian hesitated. They were people. Of that he was certain. He remembered the child he’d rescued, the mother in tears. He remembered that man he’d saved. The one he’d found bleeding on the ground after being robbed and shot. He’d fed him Bacon to revive him, and the man had thanked him. He’d asked him if he wanted more of this incredible meat.

“No thanks,” the man had said, “I’m a vegetarian.”

Snapping back to the present, Adrian laughed, “Ha ha! Kill them all! They’re evil!”




Author Notes: This is just a story I wrote for my English class a while ago and I’m pretty happy with it. My main concern is that it needs a different title since there was never really an actual war.
I got this story after eating so much Bacon that I ascended and became aware of all things for a short period of time. However, due to my limited memory it is not 100% accurate.

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13 Jul, 2019
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