Pretending is one of the easiest way to escape.. From telling other people the real emotion and also the best choice in covering up to the things you can no longer hold on to..
Mastering this act is one of the greatest challenge that I have to go through in order for me to survive.. Somebody told me one time that my life is full of heavy baggages and deep emotions and I can truely say that she's right.. Nobody really knows what's inside this unfeeling woman.. How funny it seems that they are calling me names just because I don't sympathize.. How dare them tell me that I'm numb.. Why? Can they feel me?
They didn't know.. What's inside every smile.. What's behind every joke.. What's the meaning of every laughter.. I don't share.. Why? Coz I don't want them to pity me.. Besides, I don't need that..
Many times I wanted to cry out, to shout.. To freak out just for the sake of this feeling and for this baggages to go away but then when I'm there, on the verge of breaking down.. I will stop.. Always stop.. My heart will get shielded again, it will harden again until I can no more feel anything.. You see, keeping all this things also makes me suffer..
I don't know when I started to be like this and I don't know if until when will I be like this but one thing is for sure.. Right now.. I'm not ready yet.. To uncover the real me.. To let them see what's behind my mask..
One day, I know I'll be free from all of this things.. All my smile will be true.. The laughters so alive.. My world will be colorful and alive again.. No more unshed tears.. No more shielded and hardened heart.. No more pretensions and masked face again.. Just a genuine, happy and contented smile.. Without bearing grudges..
For now, let me stay like this.. I wanted to feel the highest level of pain, to test how good I am in playing the part of the great pretender.. Let me be like this for a time cause I know one day.. My heart will decide to let go.. Until then, and let's see how the real me will unmasked itself.. Yes,until then..