Waiting for the 08.05 train from Watford to London Euston, I find myself pacing up and down the station platform. I’m a passenger on this train Monday to Friday and it’d normally be a boring drag having to wait for it to arrive. It’s actually the highlight of my day though as I get to see the gorgeous brunette who travels on the same journey as me.
Once she arrives at the platform, I always feel a sense of relief and contentment as her presence helps me to calm down and relax. I love watching her daily routine which begins with her sitting on the bench outside the station cafe, taking a book out of her bag and start reading. She never actually reads it though and appears sad, often looking ahead immersed in her own thoughts. I often wonder what the woman of my dreams is thinking and wish I could approach her and start a conversation. I feel a very lucky guy to be even in a radius of her though and am happy just to admire from afar. Brilliant, I can see her walking towards the platform now all suited up looking stunning as usual.
* * *
I can't concentrate on the words in my book and I must have read the same sentence over 20 times at least. 'Come on Fiona, get your act together’ I say to myself. I hope that the 08.05 from Watford to Euston isn’t late. I don't know how I'm going to get through work today. Gary, my boss is great and has been really supportive about me having time off over the past 12 months but I need to get a grip and do the job I’m paid for. I can see the train approaching the station which is a relief as this bench is really cold.
Once I arrive at work, I visit the Ladies and look at my reflection in the mirror whilst brushing down my grey suit. I feel and look older than a 31 year old woman and I’m sure my dark hair has bits of grey in. I've been back at work for a week and even though I love my job working as a Customer Services Assistant I’m struggling to hold everything together. I miss Ethan so much and I'm finding it really difficult to cope without him. The smell of him on his clothes is beginning to disappear and I can't bear it. I still need him more than ever and unable to comprehend the thought that my husband is not coming back. I know that he’s been gone for over a year and I should make an effort to get on with my life but everything seems pointless without him.
Family and friends have been brilliant but he was my world. I love him with all my heart and always will. Oh no, I can’t go out there with mascara running down my face. I try and gain composure, take a few deep breaths and wipe my eyes before venturing out to the office.
Although the office is open plan and full of workers engrossed in phone conversations, I can’t help feeling alone. I walk to my desk, sit down and turn on my computer whilst returning the smile back to Amy my work mate who's talking on the phone opposite me.
Work's now finished and went better than I expected. It's hard to pinpoint why but this is the first day I've actually felt a little bit like my old self again. I enjoyed work and having a chat and laugh with everyone like I used to. I can't help having feelings of guilt though as there’s a huge part of me that doesn't want to feel any happiness again.
I'm stood at the platform waiting for the 17.30 train from Euston back to Watford. I might be wrong but I'm sure a guy further along the platform is watching me. I don't think that I know him. Oh no, he’s making his way over in my direction. Maybe he is looking at another person or has mistaken me for someone else.
I can't believe that’s just happened! The guy who I thought was watching me came right over and introduced himself. He said that he's been building up the courage to speak to me for ages and asked whether I'd like to go for a drink one night after work. I went bright red and didn't know what to say. I felt tongue tied but somehow ended up agreeing to meet him at the Euston Arms after work on Friday.
Feelings of guilt and uncertainty are the emotions that are consumed within me whilst travelling home. I don't think that I'm ready to have dates and nobody could ever take the place of Ethan. The guy at the train station appeared friendly enough but I'm scared of taking the plunge. I decide to make a pact with myself to meet him for a drink and not to worry about anything further.
* * *
It's 17.15 and I’m pacing up and down the platform at Euston waiting for the 17.30 to Watford. I'm also looking out for my brunette beauty to arrive at anytime. Ah, here she is. I notice that she looks a little bit brighter since this morning and seems less anxious and distracted. I hope she’s had a good day at work. Hold on a minute, who’s that man approaching her? I can't quite make out what is happening as there are too many people in the way. I can see my girl and the man talking and she's smiling and looking radiant.
I can't help feel a twinge of jealousy but it’s short lived as I watch my wife looking happier than I’ve seen in a long time. It's pained me to see the woman who I love so much distraught and full of despair over the past year and I'm filled with joy seeing her smile again. I feel a sense of calmness and notice that I don’t need to move about as much in agitation. Fiona always told me off for walking backwards and forwards and used to say "Ethan, please stop pacing about!"
Much as I do not want to leave my soul mate, I know there’s no longer any need to check up on her daily commute and feel safe in the knowledge that she’ll be fine.
I'm now able to rest in peace knowing that my beautiful wife can now live her life to the full and be happy.