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The pursuit of happiness
The pursuit of happiness

The pursuit of happiness

Claudia40Claudia40

My days felt like I’ve been thrown into the deep sea and me trying to swim for air. I knew it was chronic given the pattern of me falling into suicidal thoughts frequently. I got more and more angry because I have always been so passionate about living but only misfortunes kept knocking on my door no matter how much I tried and it made me hurt a lot of people along the way. This itself made me more depressed.

I was always of the belief that depression was a result of a traumatic event, a loss, stress, unhappiness at home, being bullied, those types of things. But it turns out you can just have bad brain chemistry. My brain just doesn't produce enough serotonin.

It all came out and as bad as I felt, it was a relief to finally tell someone how I was feeling. That first conversation was a hugely important first step to a happier me.

I do see the light in this dark tunnel and I know I am getting closer to the light. I never knew the passion I have to find my happiness is more than enough to actually save me.

I also have found that listening to my favourite music helps a lot, and so does writing, either creatively or in poetry – getting how I feel down on paper is really good for my mood sometimes.

Despite days of feeling fine and genuinely happy with life and the world that’s out there, there is always that part of my head where my depression and anxiety make sure they have something to say.

I could plan an event well in advance, get excited to go out and imagine it all in my head, but sometimes when the day comes I still can't go through with it. I want to do these things, but my anxiety stops me.

We have a long-distance friendship and I hadn’t seen her for over a year.

I can’t choose to be happy or pretend. It’s not for fashion and it isn’t quick. I’m sorry that I cannot fit into your box. I’m sorry that my mental health is annoying you, is upsetting you, is boring you. I did not choose this. I can’t help this. I will not be hidden away. This is me, trying my best, doing my job. This keeps me well, and I have good days and bad days. I do not know when they will come, only when they are here.

I don’t want to be ashamed of being unwell and I’m not. I am comfortable with who I am and you should be too. We all have health, good and bad. Don’t try and make me feel like less of a person, an outcast.

I am me and I am proud of the battle that I have fought and the battles I will keep fighting.

Please treat me as a person, please don’t talk behind my back, please ask me how I feel and ask me how I am.

Nothing about depression is easy. But the way it affects a person’s daily life is arguably the most difficult part of the disorder. The reality is that these symptoms all have a significant effect on routines, from running errands to social situations to even just going to sleep. As with any medical issue, the more knowledge you’re armed with, the better.

Everyone was grieving and missing the family life we once enjoyed. For me, daily life became an incredible struggle to balance and meet everyone’s different needs. There were days when I wished that I could just disappear.

The outcome from this recent crisis and the support from my friend has been very positive.

It tries to control how you cope with every situation, causing you to over react immensely. The only thing that the creature seems to be scared of is positive thoughts. So the more of them you let into your mind the less control it will have. I suppose it's like letting sunlight into a dark room. The darkness flees and all the fear that seems to follow darkness disappears too. Once it becomes weak enough it can be captured and locked away.

There will always be the chance of escape, especially when we least expect it, but hopefully if that happens you will have the knowledge of how to control it before it controls you. Be assured though, it will always put up a fight, but each time you will be stronger and it will be weaker. You should be able to recapture it quicker and with less injuries to yourself.

If your relationship is struggling, depression may be the culprit. Depression affects the quality of your relationships, and the features of your relationship can affect your level of depression (1, 2, 3). In other words, being depressed can cause you to pay less attention to your partner, be less involved, be more irritable or have trouble enjoying time together -- all of which can cause your relationship to falter. On the other hand, relationship problems such as high conflict, lack of communication, withdrawal, and difficulty resolving problems, can all lead to depression.

I once saw a smile upon your face

It danced across and stayed for a minute

Then faded off into the clear blue sky

It was like it was never even there

You wrestle with your sanity like a lion

Taming yourself into a corner of sorts

Can anything save you from the clamour of thought?

Sleep is welcomed like the dawn

But then I see your face upon waking

And I realise everything within your soul

You've been there since the beginning of time

And it's lovely, and it makes me love you more

Don't change one thing about your personality

Your generosity, trustingness, your laughter

It's all a part of your beautiful make-up

And without it, you wouldn't be you

The world doesn't see your struggles

It doesn't see your pain

All it knows is sweet, wonderful you

So stand tall and shine like the diamond you are.

Once it is done it is done. You are special, you are unique, you cannot be replaced. Join me in the fight to look after our mental health and stop suicide.

Author Notes: Writer, reader, fashion and beauty blogger.

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Claudia40
Claudia40
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31 Dec, 2020
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