The Window Into My 3amS

It’s half past three at night on my side of the globe and i still can’t fall asleep. Yup. I go through that a lot. I got different reasons of course. One of many being me loosing my mother, my only parent. Someone on whom I had always relied on but now that she was beyond my reach, I seem to be failing to navigating my life. Yes, I’m that lost puppy.

Mothers are so important. Our blanket of security, our hope in despair, the silver lining of our clouds, our anti-depressant, our anti-anxiety, our emotional go-to-bag. So basically now I had nothing to fall back on. And that realisation hurts, hurts like tonnes of weight on my chest.

Even though I didn’t have my father while growing up, I always had my mother who did everything in her power to make me feel protected even on the days when she herself didn’t feel great. And now that I have lost her, i at times go nuts feeling so lonely and sadness stealing away my smiles. I have so many blessings to be grateful about but the major part missing is her, the only person I need the most.

2019 was one heck of a year. I had tonnes of bad stuff, mainly because of my own doing but through it all the best part was this guy I have been crushing over. Yea I know, most of my poems posted here are about him. He is my resident at med school and he is everything I would, one day, wanna be (if I managed to pull myself out from this on and off hole of sadness to remain focused on the only thing which matters most, my education).

The reason I mention him is because he has become that point where I fixate while I run this marathon of completing my class lag, most of which I had accumulated during my stay at hospital with my mother; the worst and the best of my days. Best because after staying at boarding school whole my life, I got to spend those numbered days with her and worst, because my moments together with her didn’t last. It ended abruptly. She didn’t get to watch me graduate and she will never get to watch me work as a Doctor and she will never get to know the man I would someday fall in love with. So many of ‘she would never’. And that breaks my heart every single day. And most of all, she will never get to watch me grow into this amazing person of whose picture I have in mind.

This, sadness, it’s not always dominant. I have better minutes and hours. This, the pain, comes in waves. But it always remains behind like some lingering pain my body has gotten use to by now. And when everything becomes too much, I do only thing I know how to do best; cry my heart out. So much so that my eyes gets puffy and my nose running. I’m quite sure, in the apartment upstairs people can hear my muffled sobs. I don’t know how many times I have cried in class. One time I even sat through an entire 60 minutes with my eyes all welled up while my resident, on whom I have been crushing over, was taking the class, I thank my big glasses to had camouflaged my swollen eye or else it would have been so embarrassing. That’s the other thing which I hate about my this pain over my grief. It has made me so weak that I start crying anywhere irrespective of my company. And I hate feeling weak.

I miss that version of me prior to loosing her. I was so cheerful and happy and it felt that I had no care in the world, nothing to worry about. I felt like an heiress. And now in her absence, things have become scary and every dream terrifies me. I have got stuck with - what if I’m not good enough for what I’m aspiring to be? What if I don’t have in me what it takes to be the person I had hoped to be one day? What if I loose people whom I love or go on to love and get left with no one but me? What if? So many what if.

There are days when I think about finding that kind of love where I will be able to keep everything down from off my chest and cry my heart out and when i stop, I would find him by my side, pulling aside my tear soaked hair locks and wiping my cheeks without him feeling pity. That love who would kiss my three heads and make it better. I am so tired of crying alone.

I long to feel happy in my heart for more than fleeting minutes. I have been constantly praying for happiness to hug me and never let go off me again. I don’t know when will I be ok but I do know that I need to act ok for now to get myself through this.

Perhaps tomorrow will have a new dawn, a happy one and a sunset which will bring me smiles. Perhaps. But Mommy! she will always remain missing from inside me. But I pray to get courage enough to live with that kind of pain so that I can build my life around it with it being my strong pivot. MAYBE. Until then, I hope I find solace in breathing my pain into my words.

Author Notes: If one thing I can tell you after what I have been through, nothing in this world holds more importance than people you love like your parents. And life could be running at much greater pace than you and I would like to think so make the most of it while still you can.
Love you Pappa, love your Mumma, love everyone you love. Tell them. Hug them. Make it count while still you can.

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