This Has to End

Their smiles were like rays of sunshine, their laughter echoing in my mind. They seemed to dance around each other as they made jokes and held hands. When one felt upset, the others lifted them up and no one felt weird giving hugs. They formed strong bonds and even when apart, they thought of each other. They had a few hiccups here and there, but this kind of friendship could never be broken.

“Lyn!” I was jolted back to reality by one of my friends. Actually, I don’t know if I can even call him that anymore. “What the hell were you staring at? You looked like a fucking zombie over there.” He laughs and I look at him. I find that they were all staring at me now.

“Nothing, I was just thinking…” I trail off, not feeling comfortable explaining further.

“Alright then,” he said. And that was that.

They went back to swearing and making crude jokes. I look over at the girl with whom I had become quite close over the past two years. She was leaning on her crush’s shoulder with her eyes closed. I started to say something to her but the girl she was leaning on, her crush, gave me a leave-her-alone vibe with the look she gave me.

I gave up and turned back to another girl in the friend group. She was goofing off with the boy who had awakened me from my daydream. They seemed carefree, and yet, uptight at the same time. They began joking about sexualities again as soon as the small girl bent down near my friend’s crush.

It began by asking if the girl was trying to sniff her hair, “or something,” then it spiraled into “that’s kind of gay.” How? I have no idea myself. I try to tune them out and keep dreaming about friendships that weren’t as toxic as this one felt.

“Hey, Lyn, you wanna come with me to get some food?” a girl asks me. I know her, but she isn’t in the friend group, so I can tell she kind of wants to get away from the situation. Joking about stuff like sexuality can be unsettling.

I understand immediately, so I stand and say, “Sure, let’s go.”

We don’t say much as we walk over to the food trucks. We split when we realized that we both wanted different food. She went to get Mexican while I stood in line to get a burger. The line took forever but while I waited I saw some of my old classmates. They were part of a group we always referred to as “the popular kids”. They chatted in front of me, went to get each other ice cream while waiting, and even told each other they loved them. They seemed so encouraging and I knew that the group of friends I hung out with wouldn’t ever say anything of the sort. The small girl, maybe, but that was because she hadn’t been friends with everyone in that group for very long.

After I had gotten my food, I walked back over to my group of friends to eat. I kind of avoided conversation until we all began to sign yearbooks. I got signatures from everyone in the group, plus a few teachers.

That night, as I lay in bed continuing my daydream, I thought over everything I had been through while being friends with them. I had almost left the group once before, but the girl made me feel guilty enough to come back. She had spread rumors about me and constantly said bad stuff about my mother. The girl, the one whom I thought was my best friend for so long, had used me to pretend she had a crush on a different kid just last year. Who knows if the girl trying to support her is really her crush or not?

I have to say something.

I can’t believe I had been so stupid to think this relationship was healthy.
Making friends feel guilty isn’t okay. Talking bad about someone behind their back isn’t okay. Saying rude things about a friend’s loved one isn’t okay. Using friends isn’t okay.

I need to say something.

I’m scared, as I have been tricked into rejoining this group before, but I need to say something. I need to express how I feel. I feel that this relationship is toxic. It hadn’t been obvious, no not at all, but I now know that I cannot keep going like this.

I want to say something.

Maybe you meant to hurt me, maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t really matter now. All I can say is that we can’t be buddies anymore. Sure, I’ll still smile at you in the halls and say “how do you do?” But this close relationship we once had is over. Some of y’all were fun and pretty chill, but another cluster of you were dragging me down and making me lose myself.

I have to end this.
I need to end this.
I want to end this.

This has to end.

I mean this in the nicest way possible when I say that I can’t be friends with you anymore.

You might hear me blame this on my mom, but just know that we can’t continue the way we are now. I’m sorry, I really am, to have to tell you this. I know it hurts, trust me I do, that’s why I came back the first time. But this time, there is no coming back. Please don’t give me another guilt trip. I don’t think I could handle more of that pain.

I wish you all the best, as I wished my last friend. It’s time to move on, and I’m sure you'll understand.

Your Not-So-Best-Friend,
~Lyn

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