As I lay here in my bed listening to the sounds of wheels rolling on the leaf laden road and the gush of wind they leave behind, I don’t know how I feel. My heart is misplaced. It’s been misplaced since the day I lost my mother. That feeling of something unfinished, something undone, that’s my heart all the freaking time.
I miss college and those classes till late in the evening. It left me dry to the point of not letting this feeling of undone wash all over me. Now that I have time just sitting on my hand, it has made me dull and my heart aches more profoundly. I run around in a well of things hoping it will help me find peace. But when I finally get to bed, that feeling rushes into my heart as if it never left.
I find it so difficult to leave my bed as though I was chained to it with my sadness weighing me down. My eyes well up every now and then and I break into uncontrollable pool of my own tears. Now even my eye hurts.
Every hair on my head hurts. My body hurts. I can’t take it anymore. I have been through this. I know exactly what I need to do to feel better and yet I can’t bring myself to do it. Heck! I don’t wanna cry at half past 5 in the morning. Crying isn’t as appealing as caffeine to quick start the day.
The more I resist this pain in my heart to ride me into my shell of tears, the more lost I feel. I haven’t cried in couple of days now which is precisely why I feel so disconnected with her, with my mother. I miss her and the ache over her absence is the closest thing I got to her.
Perhaps I will give in and let it bathe me. Perhaps!
Author Notes: The funny thing about pain is that it’s the only thing which makes you feel warm and whole again after you have lost the one you love.
Take my advice, never let go a second to waste without telling your parents about how much you love them. You don’t get second chances.
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India • 31 years old