Tug-of-War

They say that it helps to talk to someone about negative feelings or if you have 'problems' with everyday life. But the problem is how do you do it?

I have tried talking, for my parents sake at least. Trying to make them feel like i am getting better, but I'm not. I find it difficult to talk to people in general, so how am i going to talk to a stranger, trusting them with my thoughts and emotions. Especially since i don't fully understand them myself. How do i talk to someone when it has all already sunk in and explain it, when i stay up for hours each night trying to find the answers to my own questions about everything. I've tried to make them understand that but they don't. They don't understand and so I am left to my own head again. I've tried and I'm not going to trust anyone again with my thoughts and feelings, not when professionals can't understand, or when your family breaks down every time the slightest issue comes to voice. I don't want to bring anyone down, not by my doing. I don't want to be a disappointment, a patient, a weakling desperate for help. I want to be me. I want to be able to fight my own problems, and its hard but i believe that i will get there, i just need time. But no one understands that, they say not to bottle up emotions but i already have a library of bottles and i am still going aren't i? I can't tell because only i can understand what i am feeling and even when people just listen, i can tell how they are feeling, and it just brings me even lower knowing i have hurt someone.

I sit in my head most of the time, because it is the only place i can relax. I can shove all my problems away into the corner when i enter my head, so i can just sit there and imagine myself in stories. Or i make up roles and theories and come up will a lot of stuff in my mind. It is where i get inspiration from a lot of my stories and it is quiet and i can block out stuff REALLY well so there are no disturbances. Though the problems is you can only spend so much time in there and i have to fight myself to stay out of it in the classes i recently struggling with, or else i just get further behind. when i feel like i cant catch up and i try so hard to study and practice and i want get any closer to succeeding, i start having my major panic attacks, but i still don't allow myself inside my head.

Sometimes it feels like it all gets too much for my mind to handle, and i fight so hard all the time to keep it all from collapsing unexpectedly. I fight from not giving up but i am so close to the edge that i can feel what it would be like to be down there. I can't go there. I won't. Not after other people in my family have. They have been the death of a large part of my happiness. I feel like am in the middle of a tug-of-war rope, i can't go anywhere because bother sides are so strong and i can't make up my mind on where to go. Give up, be free of the struggle but going down into the dark where you can't get out of and have your family left broken hearted and destroyed, being forgotten and lost inside my own head. Or continue to fight myself, hurting myself, continuing the everlasting tug-off war, but having my family happy and safe.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, I am still fighting and I believe that one day I may be able to set MYSELF free. I don’t need any help. Yes it would have helped but it is to hard and upsetting and it only makes me think about things more.

Author Notes: This is actually very personal and I had a bit of a Tug-of-War moment about sharing it. This was just a chance to get it out of my head.

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