I looked back at my friends,seeing them so happy ripped my heart in bits. Seeing them not not care about me just made me wonder what in the world should i do. I had so many problems and there was only one person who i only wanted to tell.
My best friend.
Though i guess i was wrong. "She tells me all her problems as if she wants me to fix them or something." Hearing those words come out of her mouth hurt me so much. All i wanted was someone to hear me out...not use them. So i left those friends, for good and they probably don't even know i heard that.
From then on, i wasn't sure what to do. Yes, i made friends but i never told them my problems....why should i? They would just like 'her' and history would repeat itself over again.
I grew into this new circle of friends, they were nice and different . It was a good change but i was still to scared to open up to them. It wasn't before long i was pretty much one of them and i helped them with their problems. I didn't mind cause i understand how they feel but i guess helping doesn't always solve things.
This girl, she was always sad and followed my friend as tried to cheer her up and it didn't turn out so well
"Why are you always helping people ? I Hate people like you, so fake and full of yourself. Do you think you're any better than US? i HATE THIS PLACE, i hate this school and most of all i HATE you!"
I was shocked...i started to have tears form in my eyes as i watched that girl walk away. After that ,i really didn't know what to do...i was scared to go back to my group spot cause i was afraid they would judge me and shun me like THAT!
For six weeks, i didn't have contact with any of my friends, i spent my lunch time sitting in an empty corridor hoping that things will get better. Crying every day as i watched each of my friends walk past me as if i wasn't there.
This time i needed help myself but i wonder why i didn't think of that earlier? I didn't tell my family or a teacher ....i left myself to sit in the dark.
I always told myself, self infliction is stupid and not the way to go...but i guess it's understandable. The feeling of being hated and unwanted. In the end i couldn't bear it and spent the entire day in the bathroom with a piece of sharp metal board from electronics class. Till today,i have scars on my legs and on my left wrist. Everyday i look at them as i change,thinking about the times i had in the bathroom crying .
Eventually ,an old friend found me and gave me help immediately. She fed me chocolate and took me to see a councilor. That took care of everything.
Now,i'm a different person. I'm open and not afraid to ask for help. My friends,they actually didn't know what was happening...nothing at all. In the end...they all smiled at me.