Walls

Do you ever get those days where you feel like you’re on top of the world? Things come at you but you know exactly what to say, exactly what to do; you’re literally able to combat everything that is thrown at you. But then.. there’s those days where nothing seems achievable. You find it so hard to open your eyes and face another day; getting out of bed is like being asked to walk around the world; there’s a hollow pit inside you that nothing seems like it can fill. There’s always a constant hushed frustration with you because you may be moping around or wanna sleep all day, sometimes you just wanna be in your own space. “What’s wrong with you?” Somedays you will know and can put it on a plate for them and allow them to digest the pieces of yourself that are making it difficult for you to keep going. On the other days you simply don’t know. "How can you not know?" Simple.. Because there are days where you can put everything to the back burner and not think about a single thing that is bothering you, shunning it away to ensure that your mind can stay clear and you can carry on with your days as a ‘normal person’. Then all of a sudden, everything has piled up so much that it forces through the barrier you spent so long trying to build and it clouds your head and your emotions to the very point that you can’t even distinguish one problem from the other. Everything becomes merged into one and the smallest of things can trigger a meltdown. “You’re so dramatic,” “You give up so easily,” “So bloody miserable.” Maybe that is how I am or what I do, but that’s a part of me that I can’t just shrug off overnight because believe me, if I could I would. It’s so hard to be in a room full of people and still not feel as if you’re alone. You become accustomed to the four walls you surround yourself with on a permanent basis. You’re out, having fun, socialising and interacting. Are you happy? Probably not. Where are those four walls? Still engulfing you inside but for one night you’re just going to drink the walls away and allow your vulnerability to be exposed and feel like someone else for once. Then it all wares off and you’re back to being you again, so it was all in the moment and now you wish you never drank anything. Why? Because now you vomit up those walls and they stand up twice as strong as they were built in the first place, throwing up your deep and dark emotions with it, this time building a ceiling to cage you in with yourself completely. Perhaps you indulge in another method of removing those walls, but no matter which way you try, they still come back. Who’s building them though? Then you realise.. It’s not ‘who’ it’s ‘what’. Every single emotion that eats away at you takes a brick and builds it up and soon enough you see yourself surrounded by walls that you can’t break down. This isn’t a choice. You don’t choose when a brick is picked up and you sure as hell have no choice as to how fast it’s built around you. One thing that i’m sure you would love to say is that you have the power to break those walls down but who would you be kidding? Yourself. You can’t break them down. You can’t overcome anything. Just stick around feeling trapped, alone and useless because that’s what you’re all about. Wait.. No. That’s not you saying that. Now the walls have a voice. Your emotions have given them so much power that they can talk down to you and make you feel so worthless that soon enough, you’re subconsciously building that wall around yourself, taking it up even higher than it was before. It’s all mind games. You begin to feel like you’re always battling with yourself mentally, which you are.

Wish you had a happy ending? Wish those walls would break down?

Wait on it. They’ll soon fall..

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