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They say you’ll be angry the first time you see your first lover with somebody that isn't you.

They say you’ll instantly hate them both for being happier than you.

They say you’ll want to yell and scream and fight her for taking him away from you. For ruining the greatness you guys once were.

They'll say that you’ll fall into the sadness again that you had just clawed your way out of.

They'll say you’ll find yourself finding every reason to talk to your first lover again.

They'll say you’ll find a reason to try and chase them again.

They'll say you’ll want nothing more than to be dead.

They'll say all you’ll feel is betrayal and hatred.

But what if I don’t? What if I don’t feel any of that? What if all I feel is peace. What if I feel peace deep down in my heart knowing that you’re happy? What if it makes me happy knowing you’re no longer stuck on us, like I am? What if I feel love for the girl you’re pursuing because I still reminisce on the thought of us meeting for the first time? What if I feel nothing but passion for them? For you.

They always said "you shouldn't fall in love with somebody like him because he'll hurt you" but I did, and I spent 11.5 months after that loving him and adoring the shit out of him. Everyday I did the entire nine yards. I texted, hugged, kissed, and loved my boy like he was oxygen and without him I would suffocate. Everyday all the way through until he walked away from me and I stopped seeing his face around in the hallways, I loved that boy endlessly. After that I spent everyday being angry, angry at him for just leaving me behind like it was no big deal and angry at myself for just letting him walk away. Everday I would walk to hallways listening to the whispers of the people telling each other how our relationship went down in flames, and it was my fault. Everyday I would walk through and watch as people eyed me up and down than whispered his name like if I heard it, I would turn around and shoot them in the gut without hesitation.

But I no longer feel that way, him walking away made me sober. People no longer whisper my name like it's a posion and I no longer listen to music loud enough for the entire school to hear my anger. I laugh now, I smile, and I crack jokes with people I was never friends with before. I've let go. Maybe you still cross my mind when I see certain places or hear certain phrases, but it's never as long as it was before. The feeling of your hugs and the way your lips press against mine are foreign to my head. I'm no longer stuck on the thought of "What if I would've stopped you from driving away?" I'm no longer there, just onto the thought of "I hope he's happy". Because that's what I always said, that all I wanted for you is happiness, and for a little bit I was bitter and I took back those words because I wanted you to hurt the way I did. But I realized I don't want anybody too feel as bad as I did, Because that was an endless hole of hot tears and yelling at a God I loved, who was just trying to help me for the future. I no longer curse God for taking him away from me, I thank him for allowing me to learn happiness from within rather then from others.

Author Notes: Happiness means freedom. Thanks for letting me go.

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2 Feb, 2018
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