What is the purpose..?

I'am diagnosed with major depression, with the occasional physchotic features. I see joy, happiness, love of life, and yet i can not indulge in these positve emotional experiences. I feel nothing but pain. Life has dealt me the most disgustingly, torturous hand possible to play. I yearn to be like others and to have a carefree existance. Every moment of every day is literal hell. I do not prefer to be like this, people tell me "why dont you just be happy?" This infuriates me. I pray to god that i can be happy, but there is nothing there, i lack the very basis of what happiness is, and it is a feeling. I can't even imagine what it feels like to experience pleasure. I do not feel good in any way possible, not even sex nor drugs or anything. I don't smile unless i force a fake grin upon my face to please the assumptions of normal people into thinking i'am as one of them. I hate being the outcast i want to socialize so bad and have relationships and just communicate. I suppose i could but i recieve no enjoyment from it so it is pointless. I try to talk and socialize but im aqward, monotonious and nervous. I get headaches trying to tease my souless mass of existance to gesture in a rational matter. No one understands unless they are or have experienced deep depression themselves. I'am past the point of crying, i havent shed a tear in years, i can't. I wish i could still feel the release from sobbing and just letting go. I force myself to arrise from my nest of sorrow which is normaly called a bed. It takes hours for me to gain motivation to accomplish the most simplist of task. My days drag on ever so slowly and yet time has flown by when i reflect on the life that has been wasted on my ilness. I'am deeply ashamed of myself for having such a pathetic existance. I feel angry and doubt the existan e

Author Notes: Not finished due to computer error but iam sure you get the gist of my situation.. I like to express myself in writing occasionally so I'm positive I'll write more complete articles..

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