What a waste

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life. It's an excuse really but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm not normal. I find concentration difficult. I find focusing on one thing impossible. I love to leave things till the last minute, to go through the fast paced dillema that I know will follow when I am disorganised. Wasting my time is super fun. But I am also scared. When I am standing still, I usually get this feeling of immense fear that threatens to overwhelm and wash over me like waves and drown me. Maybe it's becuase I hate losing. I hate losing to time.. if you could put it that way. I want to speed it up, fast forward it but when I slow down... I feel my head slow down and my breaths become more strained. The feeling is enough to bring tears to my eyes that cascade down in angry sobs, followed by relief or confusion of some sort... really it's weird. But there is one question I always ask myself before I sleep at night; what the hell am I doing here? And when exactly, will my time run out?

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