I’m sitting in a forest. The light dimming and casting the most stunning array of lights onto the canopy of leaves above. The life of the forest was beginning to retreat to a gentle humming that caressed my thoughts. I felt dazed, almost like I was observing the world through eyes that had just awoken. A sort of state of being that disorients you.
It wasn’t until the air began to chill that I alerted. The air pricked at my nerves, a chill that crawled across my skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps.The sky was a cascade of purple hues when I stood.
I admired the forest around me in more detail. Large oak and pine trees towered over me as if to impress upon me. And the mountains peeked out from behind the vast expanse of green.
I would have gone on taking in my surroundings if not for a sudden buzzing that erupted in my ears. Not a loud noise, just indistinguishable and far away. Like whispers drifting on the wind. It split through the night air, disturbing the otherwise peaceful evening. The noise grew slowly louder. I shook my head as if that would rid me of the nuisance. But the noise persisted. I clutched my head as the whispers erupted into angry voices.
“No one ever loved you!”
“Failure. That’s what you are. That’s all you’ll ever be.”
“Love YOU? It’s no wonder your parents left you behind.”
I collapsed to the ground, still clutching my head. The chastising voices slipped into every crevice of my mind, searing me with an indescribable heat.
“I’m calling about a girl. She claims to have parents, but no one’s coming.”
“You never cared about anyone, not even your filth of a daughter.”
“Poor girl. She’s so useless her parents dropped her on every doorstep they could to get rid of her.”
“Her dad’s in jail again. She’ll never be better than him.”
“She stares at the wall as if she thinks life is hard, she doesn’t know anything.”
“Your parents are a bunch of good for nothings. What would you know?”
“You lived in homeless shelters and rarely went to school. How would you know?”
“It’s sad really. All that academic potential wasted on someone who will never amount to anything. I’m not surprised your mother left you to starve.”
With each voice came floods of memories that burned. These were further in my past, I knew, but still I gritted my teeth. Agony swept over me as images moved at a wind rushing speed. Images of homeless shelters and bruises quickly shifted to the halls of a school that claimed the moto CLASSY, I saw kids pushing me, laughing at me, avoiding me. I saw threatening notes and countless tears. And the tears started for real, hot streams that trailed down my face, burning my eyes.
More voices sliced through my conscience.
“Stop pretending everything’s ok. You should just die.”
“After all this, you still fail. You should just die.”
“Spare the world the trouble of having you around.”
I was gasping now, absolute panic taking over. I didn’t want to see anymore.
“Make it stop!” I begged, screaming into the night.
Red. That’s all I could see. A red ‘F’ blazed on my left arm in red. ‘F’ for failure. The images were going to fast now, cut after cut.
Feelings of abandonment, hurt, loneliness, abuse, bullying, being an outsider, neglect, failure, disappointment, pain, and loss surfaced. All of it came crashing into me like a massive tidal wave.
“No.” I begged, but it was too late. Blackness enveloped me in a cold, unforgiving blanket. The whispers retreating into the wind.
Author Notes: Believe it or not, that was also for a Psychology project. Umm...yeah. It's quite intense and I'm not 100% sure any of you have gone through things like that, but I think I shared it mostly because there are people out there that run from things or repress them because they hurt too much. And when it comes crashing down on them like an unexpected tidal wave they drown. Not literally, just emotionally. And think that's something that is commonly struggled with (social media in particular) as we try to simply brush away the bad or not socially acceptable and replace it with a rather annoying mask. So, I don't know. I just thought I'd just share my experience with that in the form of a dream. :( Man, that was ruff.