Why

I walk around with a mask. A smile glued permanent on my face, a hello always on my lips and my hand unconsciously making a waking motion. This isn't me this a shell. I'm dying inside I have nothing to give to this so called world we live in. I will always be two seconds slower, too many class rankings below, a little too much fat in cheeks, one cup size smaller, and never perfect. What is perfect? Having so much esteem in yourself you don't turn down being with people just for the fact that you would like to be alone. Not feeling the way I feel. I have dark thoughs surrounding me of just what ifs. What if I "accidentally" swallowed to many pills, what if I lost control of the wheel and drove of a bridge, WHAT IF. I don't seem myself as pretty anymore I am revulted by what I see in the mirror everyday, the number on the scale, the smile on my face. I forgot how to be happy to be ALIVE. If I left no one would miss me. I get put down everyday, little reminders that I'm not good enough. I will never be pretty enough for ANYONE. No one loves me that I am certain I was put on this earth to die and only that sole reason. So why not just speed up the process? Pop a few sleeping pills and I'm a goner. Im scared I don't want to but I see no other choice...I haven't got the courage yet but I feel it building. Im grasping anything within reach for a little help while I fall. I grasp nothing. There is nothing within reach so I fall fall fall into the darkness into death. I didn't mean for this to happen all I wanted was help and I DONT want this I needed someone but there is no one for me. I don't want to die, I want to be happy again but I don't ever see that happening. I'm building my courage. Goodbye.

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