For a while I've thought I knew what I needed to do to get out of this slump. I thought returning to my good habits would bring me joy. I need to wake up early, go for a walk, work, eat well, exercise and go to sleep early. All while making time for my hobbies and interests. I've been chasing this dream for years now and I think I've finally realised that it's just that, a fantasy.
I came to notice that at the moment I have what I've been looking for. Admittedly my sleep schedule isn't quite what it used to be and I don't exercise like I did before. But what really matters is being able to get by and having time to spend with my interests. This I now have, yet I'm not satisfied.
I feel terrible about myself, something I've not struggled with before. Sure I've been unhappy, but never have I thought poorly of me. I feel as though nothing I do could ever be enough and I'm doomed to stay stuck here forever. Worse than that, I've started to lose interest in my hobbies. I feel like they don't really matter. I know that that's nonsensical, what I think matters is up me. How can I not be interested in my own interests?
Apathy, aimlessness and a far away but looming sense of dread... This seems familiar, I've been here before.
My old friend Depression is yet again knocking on my door.
Life flies by, so why not stop for a quick detour.
Look at where you are, where you've been and think to yourself, what more?
I'm sure my thoughts are overly negative due to how I'm feeling right now. I hope one day I'll look back on this as just a blip in my story. I'll have learned so many things I've yet to even hear of. I'll have created so many works I'll be proud of. I'm sure one day I will be who I was always meant to be, but all this time in between is just killing me.
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Finland • 22 years old