I wish I never knew what it was like to wonder about the softness of your hair, the warmth of your lips. I wish I never knew what it was like to watch you type, and type, and type, and to open your messages as soon as they appeared. I wish I never knew what it was like to picture a future with you. I was earnest and naïve, and unafraid. I was brave. Yet, I am now on the tail end of this coin, wishing and praying I hadn’t flipped it, for it sealed my fate with you. I cared for a flourishing garden of memories and wishes and dreams, and now a fire’s completely desecrated it. I’m left with blackened ruins that shiver in the wind and crumple to ash, nothing more. There isn’t a phoenix to rise from this gravesite, there isn’t a new beginning. There is only an unwritten chapter, scrapped before the first word could even be written, theorized, or noted on a slip of paper, or anything. It died before it could even be born. I surround myself with music, with nostalgia, to give myself any sense of catharsis, to rip off this greedy parasite feeding on my heart. It’s strong, and its teeth bruise and bloody my flesh, opening it up for the world to see. I am immovable with this pain, with this drainage of my heart. The parasite doesn’t cause a stabbing pain that rushes me to the emergency room, it just throbs with a steady pulsing ache. It’s just enough for me to notice, just enough for me not to forget it’s there, but not enough to cry so hard that my body retches, and I spew it from between my teeth and lips.
Author Notes: Any comments/thoughts are greatly appreciated! This is just a little blurb from my brain with minimal editing :)