It was just after three at night and I couldn’t sleep. My pulse racing and my mind filling with grief and I failed to shake those blurred unpleasant bygone images from taking a front seat in my system. So I popped one pill of Temazepam (sleeping pill). Well that didn’t help. An hour passed and I popped another pill of Temazepam. And that magically tied my bones for very very long hour. And finally I stopped hearing that voice in my head from that day outside the critical care unit - ‘I’m sorry. She is no more’. The effect of drug set in and took away that image of the huge door swinging open in my face and a man in scrubs walking out. That image which has robbed my peace ever since ceased to flicker in front of me.
It’s going to be years in between today and me losing her to an unknown world of no cell phone reception. I thought I was beginning to heal. I thought I was better now. Now that I wasn’t crying too often and was laughing every now and then. I thought despite her absence, I can live my remaining time with little bit of happiness in my heart. But today, right in this minute, I can’t help but wonder what i did wrong to deserve this displeasure from the heaven above. I must have or else why would they throw me in that pathos the very hour I forget all about it. Why?
I had been working to get myself away from my rut. And lord alone knows how far behind I’m in my life. I had been running frantically to try make up for all that I lost with her. Even with not much results, I was beginning to flap and try fly again. Then this happened and picked me up and threw me down. I had been trying to read for a test and even though I didn’t know everything but I did know something but I couldn’t take that test. I couldn’t. I haven’t had solid meal in 36 hours for the fear that it will turn me lazy. I think the last time I worked this much for a test was when I was in 10th grade. And still i couldn’t take my test. It’s funny how I slept with my textbook beside me and then woke up with a headache and a confusion and with last night kind of blurry.
The dusk is beginning to walk in on my side of the world. Everyone is returning from their days work and to the warmth of their solace and loved ones and happiness. I on the other hand is sitting on my bed with a dull cold ache in my heart. I need to get away but I don’t know how and to where?
My eyes are puffy from crying and my intraocular pressure has tremendously gone up. My energy is shattered and I feel devoid of light in my heart. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry until all those tears are dried up. I’m lost and confused and I don’t know to what should I look forward to in my life anymore. I’m scared of being happy again because somehow the moment I begin to resolve the chaos of my insides and start laughing and giggling, pain comes running and hugs me tight rendering me incapable of the small motions as little as getting out of bed.
I realise that I’m not the only one with this kind of grief but I wish I was as brave as rest of them living their life with such ache. I pray day and night for strength to become me but it seems, it’s all in vain.
Dear Maa (mother),
i tried to do it on my own but I have failed. I’m tired now. I can’t be the woman of our home and still be able to subside the turmoil of my life, both at the same time. I can’t do that. I’m not you. I need you so much more today than yesterday. Please return back to me. I can’t take care of everything together. Maa I’m failing like i have never failed before, so please come back and free me of all this failed attempts and guilt of not being able to stand up to your expectations in your absence. Please. I can’t take it anymore. I need you so much. I’m sorry that you have to see everything you built starting to develop cracks. I’m so sorry. Please come and free me of this.
Author Notes: It seems that I have fallen into an abyss where it’s all dark and caging my lungs. I don’t know how long I can hold my breath.